Prague Blog!

Five More Things Sam Jackson Should Yell At

2012-01-26T11:41:00.000Z

I have been calling Sam Jackson "Old Yeller" for years. I defy you to find a film in which he doesn't start yelling at someone or something. We all remember his impassioned speech in "Pulp Fiction" where he embodies a murderous, pig hating, religious zealot. Who could forget Mr. Jackson screaming at those poor reptiles that just wanted to take a little trip? The man has a way with obscenities, of that there is no doubt. I particularly enjoyed him as the shady, womanizer P.I. Mitch in "The Long Kiss Goodnight". He pretty much screams throughout that entire film and it's awesome. The man found a niche and it works for him. But, I think he could do better. Here is a short list of things I'd like to see Samuel L. Jackson yell at.

Any (or all) employees of the Czech Foreign Police, Albert Super Markets or Czech Post Office - I would absolutely LOVE to see him wait in line for three hours at the FoPo and then watch one of those miserable old women tell him "Ne". I'd just LOVE to see him at the Czech Post office when one of those sorry excuses for public employees tells him he spelled his own name wrong. He would strike down upon them with GREAT and very DESERVED vengeance and terror. Yelling ensues.
Newt Gingrich - Wouldn't this be fantastic? I can see it now... Old Yeller stands up at a debate and dares the old racist to please speak up when he tells black people to start earning pay checks. The crowd is stunned into silence as old man Gingrich looks around for help. Mr. Jackson asks him if he is aware that white people are the largest percentage of welfare/food stamp users... Yelling ensues.
Kids - I think we have all heard Mr. Jackson's stirring rendition of "Go the Fuck to Sleep" on the YouTube. But I think he can go further with it. I'd like to see him in a "Kindergarten Cop" situation, where he has to deal with 42 kids all at once. And boy oh boy, does yelling ensue.
The Ladies of 'The View' - In particular Elizabeth Hasselbeck & Sherri Shepherd. Man oh man do those ladies need a verbal bitch slap. I could give you a list of reasons, but if you have ever seen the show you already know of the crimes against common sense that these ladies perpetrate every fucking day. I'd like to see Sam Jackson walk on as a guest and then... yelling ensues.
The producers, director and basically anyone involved with the film "Sucker Punch" - This movie was so terrible, so totally and completely bad that it single handedly brought the women's movement and film making down about 300 levels. Not only did this movie not make any sense and jump around space and time, it was stupid. I think we should take all people involved with it, stick them in a room with Sam J and let him go for about an hour. If anyone walks out crying, we'll know he did his job.

I don't Understand...

2012-01-20T16:59:00.000Z

I am a fairly smart and well-rounded woman. I have read a wide variety of books. I know a little about classical music and art, and I can hold my own in conversations about current events and politics. I can choose wine at dinner, and I am quite clever and witty if I do say so myself. But, even though I am pretty darned awesome, there are just some things I don't understand.

Czech customer service - The best example of an oxymoron I could ever come up with is "Czech customer service". I honest to goodness don't understand the mentality of business owners and the people they hire to represent them here in the CZ. I have been yelled at, ignored, asked to leave and come back with correct change and laughed at all while trying to spend money in a Czech establishment. I am trying to spend money in YOUR store and you decide it is a good idea to make me feel small? No, it's not. Communism is gone and has been gone for twenty plus years - move on. I have a choice where I spend my money and I don't have to put up with your piss poor attitude. You get to sit all day while you ring up people - why are you so unhappy? Why do you have to make other people unhappy? I am putting Prague on notice: You are a tourist city which means you are international, which in turn means that you have to start being.... NICE.
The moms (and dads) on 'Toddlers and Tiaras' - Okay, first of all I have no shame in sharing with all of you that I adore this show. Do I agree with any of what goes on at pageants? No. Do I enjoy the fact that TLC is shining a light on the wretched excuse for parenting that seems to be the norm in those middle states? Yes. What I don't understand is why these women (and some men) agree to go on the show. Have they ever watched it? Don't they know they will come off looking like crazy, obsessed, sad, people who live vicariously through their three-year old? If I were going to live vicariously through someone, I wouldn't pick someone who needed help eating, threw tantrums, couldn't speak in complete sentences and falls down when they walk. But that's just me. What are we teaching our girls when we tell them their looks are the most important things about them and that making kissy faces and flirting with people gets you money? (Watch this! )
Women who "dress up" to work out - If you have ever worked out in a gym, then you have seen these women. They are usually in a very well-coordinated outfit, wearing gobs of lip gloss and mascarra and most likely don't exercise very much. You might mistake them for drag queens. I don't get it. Why would you spend money on a gym membership just to chat with your friends? Why would you work out in make-up? Gross! Can you imagine what their skin is like under all that crap and sweat? I go to the gym to work and I usually do just that. I couldn't do what I need to do if I was wearing enough make-up to cover twelve hookers and sixteen college co-eds. I usually wear some old sweats and a t-shirt with Gizmo on it. Like I said, I just don't get it.
People who don't read books - Unfortunately, I know a few people who not only claim this, but claim it with pride. As if being an idiot is something to be proud of. I don't understand why someone wouldn't read books, and then why they would go around telling people that! If you are only reading Reddit and People Magazine then you are destined to be a schmuck. Books (both fiction and non fiction) not only jump-start your imagination, but also improve your vocabulary, expose you to new ideas, and force you to actually sit still and practise concentrating on something for longer than three seconds. That's right I am talking about your tiny attention span. Pick up a book and save your soul.
Scented toilet paper - Why? WHY? WHY do we need our asses to smell like chamomile? I really don't understand this. Sure "down there" can get stinky, but I think any normal person can manage just fine without the help of a "linen fresh" asshole. C'mon people! Is this something we really need? Or even want? Who buys this stuff anyway? Oh, wait... I do. What some of you may not know about the city of spires is that you have very little choice when it comes to TP. You can either have unscented, 2 ply TP that looks and feels just like cardboard, or you can have 3 or 4 ply TP that smells like the first rain of the season, strawberries or whatever scent "blue" is. I like my ass so I go with the stupid scented even though I know it's bad for me.

SOPA is STUPID

2012-01-17T20:09:00.000Z

: from: http://edinburghuncovered.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/sopa-cartoon.png

I'll admit it. When I first heard someone mention SOPA my first thought was of the delicious, savory Mexican snack. My mouth started watering, and I was fantasizing about taco trucks within ten seconds. Unfortunately, the news worthy SOPA and the yummy Sopes are not the same thing. One is full of yum, and the other is full of shit.

SOPA is an acronym for Stop Online Piracy Act. It's a bill designed to target websites that host pirated content and crackdown on those pirates out there posting shit for free - i.e. everyone. What does this mean? It means that companies will be held accountable and liable for what their users post. That means that sites like YouTube, Facebook, twitter, Wikipedia, and all other social forums where people post and repost funny pictures or videos from god knows where will cease to exist. Why? Because once this bill passes those sites simply can't exist anymore. It is likely that they will be replaced with commercial media software.

(Check out this Google Doc called "SOPA For Dummies")

As of midnight tonight, Wikipedia is staging a blackout in protest of this stupid law. Mainstream media is in support of it which mean that you probably won't get the full story so I'll try to fill in the blanks. This law will suppress free speech online and allow for media corporations to commercialize whatever they want. "One of the provisions in the Senate version, which is still out there, is that under certain circumstances Internet providers would be required to block access to sites, by removing them from the DNS entry list. So if you type in the domain of a site that's been accused of being devoted to infringement of copyright you wouldn't get an answer of whether that site exists. That's exactly what China does. They do blocking at the DNS level." (Jimmy Wales, a co-founder of Wikipedia from THIS article)

I guess I'm writing this because I was in the dark. I thought SOPA was a food. but now that I know, now that a little light has been shed on me, I thought I needed to return the favor. If you like freedom, the internet, posting old clips of The Golden Girls to your pals FB page - then protest this law. Write to you local representative or congress person. Don't believe me? Then do a little reading for yourself. If you are in favor of censorship then... well...this law is for you.

Now, I am going to watch some videos of kittens waking up on YouTube while I still can.

Omnivore's 100

2012-01-11T15:28:00.000Z

Here’s a chance for some interactivity for my readers out in cyberland. Below is a list that I took from THIS blog (Very Good Taste) of 100 things. It is supposed to be foods that every good omnivore should have tried at least once in their life. The list includes fancy food, strange food, everyday food and some junk food. The idea being that a good little omnivore will try anything. I don't know that I agree with that, but I like lists so I am game. The list is pretty basic, or at least it was for me. Check it out for yourself! If you don't know what something is, there is this cool website called "google" that might prove helpful. How do you play along?

1) Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.
2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.
4) Optional extra: Post a comment here at my blog!

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
~~46. Fugu~~
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
~~50. Sea urchin~~
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
~~75. Roadkil~~l
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant.
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake

Vital Stats

2012-01-10T18:43:00.000Z

As I sit here on the eve of my 38th birthday, I am forced to contemplate my life and the things I have done, or not done, or completely fucked up. That's what we do as we get older, isn't it? Judge ourselves on our accomplishments and how far we have come through that battlefield known as youth? I don't know if it's useful or not, but I do it every year. Here's what I know: I am 4'11, and I weigh somewhere between 115-125 on any given day. I don't have a scale and I haven't been to the gym in a few weeks so I'll just have to guess. I have some shade of long, blond hair, and a chronically stuffy nose. And that's the easy part. Back in 2006 I did the Proust questionnaire right here on this blog, and I thought it would be fun to see if my answers have changed any in the last six years. Here's hoping I have grown some... (I have decided not to look at my previous answers)

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? - Being unable to help someone in need, watching a loved one suffer or visiting the Czech Foreign Police.
Where would you like to live? - Anywhere I haven't tried yet. Ocean, Mountains, city, or country I am game. Bring on the adventure.
What is your idea of earthly happiness? - Being able to live a life of my choosing near people I care for, and being cared for by someone outstanding. Doing a job that I love and having lots of free time to read, watch movies and cook for people.
Who are your favorite heroes of fiction? - Buffy, Wonder Woman, Owen Meany, Satoru Nakata, Scout, Charlotte, and The BFG.
Who are your favorite characters in history? - Elizabeth Taylor, Katharine Hepburn, Bill Clinton, Meryl Streep, Walt Whitman, Walt Disney, MLK, JFK, Marilyn Monroe, and Mark Twain.
Who are your favorite heroines in real life? - Any woman who takes life and shakes it up: Meryl Streep, Oprah, Jillian Michaels, Sabrina Ward Harrison, Georgia O'Keeffe come to mind...
Your favorite painter? - This changes a lot, but right now I am in an Edward Hopper, Picasso, or a Renoir place.
Your favorite musician? - Tom Waits or Mozart.
The quality you most admire in a man? - Honesty. That's an easy one. I have met many men who lie in order to "save feelings" or to not hurt me. Well, that's cowardice and bullshit. A real man, a man worth knowing in business, friendship or in love will be an honest man.
The quality you most admire in a woman? - Self reliance. There is nothing that gets my goat more than a woman who can't or WON'T do for herself. Asking a man, and batting those eyelashes will just get you a lot of trouble.
Your favorite virtue? - My favorite virtue is one found in buddhism called Upekkha. It is a concept of equanimity. It is learning to accept both loss and gain, blame and praise, and success and failure with detachment - for both yourself and others. This one I work on every day.
Your favorite occupation? - Reading, writing, sleeping and singing.
What is your greatest fear? - Regret.
What is your greatest extravagance? - Love. When I love I do it 100%.
Which trait do you most deplore in others? - Selfishness or cruelty. Both suck and both are ugly.
What is your favorite journey? - Well, the last six years sure have been a hoot.
On what occasion do you lie? - I tend to say 'I'm fine' when I am clearly not. I will also tell a woman her outfit is cute if she likes it even if I don't. This is why I don't go shopping with other women.
Which living person do you most despise? - Just one? Well, a tie between Glenn Beck, Michelle Bachmann, Rick Perry and Ann Coulter.
Which words or phrases do you most over use? - "sweet", "nice" and "badass".
What is your greatest regret? - Being a doormat.
When and where were you the happiest? - No lie, RIGHT NOW.
What is your current state of mind? - I am very positive and productive and very much looking forward to my future; excited!
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? - Well, for starters I would workout more. And I would ask for a new nose and sinuses. And after that I guess I would try and not to get so upset when other people act like assholes.
What do you consider your greatest achievement? - Managing to live in the Czech Republic for as long as I have without being deported.
What is your most marked characteristic? - Spunk and sass.
What is your most treasured possession? - Le Mutt.
Who are your favorite writers? - Murakami, Atwood, King, Oates, Robbins, Erik Larson, Whitman, and... me.
How would you like to die? - Appreciated and loved and peaceful.
What is your motto? - I remember what I wrote last time, and it still applies (“Nolite te bastardes carborundorum”). But, if I had to choose a back up it would be "Hard work! Dedication!"

Movies for a Desert Island

2012-01-07T10:47:00.001Z

I love this game. I used to play it with my students, but that was when I had students who were out of diapers and didn't need help eating their lunch or get picked up after class by mommy. I noticed that Czech's really didn't get into it. I would pose the question as I was drawing a cute little island on the white board with dry erase markers. "Let's say you are stuck on a desert Island and you can only bring four things with you. What would you bring?" I would turn around and see a bunch of stone faced, silent people staring at me. If I finally got them to answer they would list things like a radio for SOS, a hunting knife, or a gun. When I would say, "But wouldn't you like a book, or a movie? Some sort of entertainment?" they looked at me like I was crazy. Why would I want a book when a book could not help me leave the island?

Because leaving the island isn't the point of the game, that's why! The point is to find out what you could watch (or read) again and again. So, I woke up this morning and found this little article asking what movies you would take on a desert island. And here is my list. Wanna play along? Leave your list as a comment, and read the parameters HERE.

"It's So Nice to Have a Wolf Around the House" (1979) - I remember watching this cartoon short as part of The Great Space Coaster when I was a little girl. I watched it again last night and fell in love all over. It's about a cool wolf named Cuthbert Q. Devine who agrees to be the companion of an old man and his old pets. It's funny, sweet and beautiful to look at. And, little did I know that Paul Fierlinger lived and worked in Prague.
"Little House on the Prairie" (Season 2) This is my pick for single season of a TV series. I could watch any season of LH over and over, but if I am forced to choose just one, it'll be season two. Season two features some pretty dramatic stuff like Ma almost having to cut off her own foot, and special quest star Patricia Neal as a dying widow and mother. You also get some classic moments with Mr. Edwards and Nellie Olson. I guess it comes down to this: I don't want to live a life with no Little House in it.
"Star Wars" (1977) - One of the greatest films ever made, and one film that takes up a huge chunk of my little heart. I dressed as Princess Leia for Halloween and ran around in R2D2 Underoos. I love Star Wars. And no matter how many times I watch it, it never gets old.
"Pretty in Pink" (1986) - Anyone who knows me knows that I can't live without this movie. I watch it often and I always enjoy it. Of all of the Hughes/Deutch films this is my favorite. I know, I know... many of you are saying, "But what about Breakfast Club?" And you are right. That film is awesome and timeless. But I am on an island, and I don't want to watch teen angst for the rest of my life. I want to watch Molly Ringwald design a boxy dress and go to prom. I wanna hear James Spader tell Andrew McCarthy that he looks like shit. And finally, I have three little words for you: Harry Dean Stanton.
"The 40 Year Old Virgin" (2005) - This movie is funny no matter how many times you watch it. And I have watched it a lot. In fact, back when I first came to Prague it was a little bit like a desert island. I didn't know anybody, I didn't have a TV and I had no money. I just had a computer and some DVD's - one of which is this movie. It got me through my first year, that's for sure.
"Some Like it Hot" (1959) - This movie stars Marilyn Monroe and Jack Lemmon, you can't miss. It was also named as AFI's funniest movie. And it is. Men in drag, Marilyn and a ukulele, and unsurpassed comic timing. I love this movie! I was lucky enough to attend a screening of it in LA where a few of the cast and crew told stories of what it was like to work with Billy Wilder, Tony Curtis, Jack and Marilyn. If you haven't seen this - see it.
"All About Eve" (1950) - Bette Davis is the original diva in this tale of backstage betrayal and revenge. The dialogue is quick, biting and witty, and the acting is top-notch. Anne Baxter does a superb job as the sweet ingenue who not so gently push herself in front of the aging theatre queen played by Bette Davis.
"All That Jazz" (1979) - As I am making this list I am realizing that I am lacking in movies musicals! With so many to choose from, I am forced to pick the one that has a little of everything: love, hate, good songs, amazing choreography and Roy Scheider. Not to mention Jessica Lange as the angel of death. Some of my favorite on-screen dance numbers are in this. And this is a good one for those of you who "hate" musicals. It's the semi-autobiographical work from the legendary Bob Fosse. Check it out, even if you don't like musicals. You'll be surprised. And you get the bonus of being able to watch the beautiful, sexy, talented Ann Reinking Vereen and Roy Scheider doing a duet of "Bye Bye Love" that has to be seen to be believed.
"The Shawshank Redemption" (1994) - Do I even need to say why I chose this one? I mean think about it - you are trapped on an island with no way off, just like the guys in the prison! I need a movie with me that is all about hope and promise and yes, redemption. And Morgan Freeman. I think he is essential to desert island viewing. Great movie that can be watched again and again.
"Tootsie" (1982) - Choosing the last movie was kind of tough. There were many contenders (Casino Royale, Pulp Fiction, Grease, Gilda...) but when push came to shove I decided to go with the always hilarious "Tootsie". This list isn't about favorites, it's about movies you could watch over and over, and for me that's "Tootsie". Dustin Hoffman is remarkable as both Michael Dorsey and Dorothy Michaels. The cast includes dome of my favorite actors like Dabney Coleman, Terri Garr, Jessica Lange and of course Bill Murray - before he got all serious and was purchased by Wes Anderson.

Best Movies of 2011

2011-12-31T10:48:00.002Z

It's that time of year again. The time of year where we all tend to look back and pick "The Best" of anything and everything. I'm not kidding. I swear to something really important to you, that just today I came across a list of the Top Cupcakes of 2011. Okay, I didn't actually see that, I just made it up to make a point. But now that I think about it isn't a half bad idea. But I digress. This particular list of best stuff isn't about tasty treats or pancakes or video games. This is Alicia's Blog therefore the list is about... you got it, movies.

I picked 11 for 2011 (clever, I know). Now, I haven't seen Hugo yet, or The Descendents, and I am sure they are both list worthy but I can't include them since I haven't seen them with my own eyes.

Tree of Life - I have been a Malick fan since I saw "Badlands" back when I was an impressionable teenager. I was blown away. And I was blown away by Tree of Life as well. I give the man credit for making such beautiful movies that are still able to tell a story. I know a lot of people "didn't get it" and even left before the first thirty minutes were up. To those people I say "Ppppppbbbttttt!" (That is the sound one makes when sticking out ones tongue and making a raspberry.) If you couldn't sit through a film that asks you to think for yourself then go home and just watch Dancing with the Stars. You do not like art. Oh, and you probably missed the part where a dinosaur steps on this other dinosaurs face. Yeah, it was so good that it had dinosaurs in it.
The Beaver - I know I will be crucified for this one, but Mel (call me Crazy) Gibson or not, it was a remarkable film. It is directed by Jodie Foster, and she costars as Mel's long-suffering but loving wife. Mel Gibson gives a remarkable performance. Check it out then tell me I was wrong.
The Trip - It stars comedian Steve Coogan and his friend Rob Byrdon as themselves. They take a trip and review restaurants along the way. The movie is funny and a little unsettling. If you like really awesome impressions of Micheal Caine and watching people eat incredible food, then this one is for you. A little gem not many have heard of.
Midnight in Paris - Yet another great romantic comedy from Woody Allen. Owen Wilson plays the "Woody Allen" character in this fun little movie. He is engaged to a superficial and horrid woman (played by Rachel McAdams) and discovers a door to the past while vacationing with her and her family in Paris. I don't know if it's because I always fancied being an expat in the 1920's and getting to hang out with Picasso and Zelda - but this movie was absolutely pitch perfect.
Moneyball - Yep, I'm on team Moneyball. I loved this movie, and not just because it is about the underdog. And not just because it takes place in Oakland, Ca. And not just because Brad Pitt is awesome in it. I liked it because it was a simple story of faith and redemption. Everybody likes sports movies and this one does not disappoint. It is certainly Brad Pitts year. Again.
Hanna - There is only one word to describe this movie: BADASS. A teenage girl who was raised as assassin by her loving dad is unleashed on the word at large. Eric Bana is in it doing that broody thing he does in movies, and usually that would be rad. But this movie is all about the little girl. You like watching teenaged girls kick ass? Then forget that piece of poo movie "Suckerpunch" and watch this instead. It's awesome, and Cate Blanchet is in it. Can't miss.
The Skin I Live In - I have two words for you: Pedro Almodovar. That should be more than reason enough to watch this film. I won't try to explain it, because it just doesn't work that way. It's beautiful, harsh and horrific. I loved it.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes - This mainstream movie was good enough to make me forget that they actually cast James Franco as a super smart science guy. I am a HUGE fan of the original movie and I was very critical of the prequel going in. Well, I loved it. The apes were awesome, and Andy Serkis was pretty incredible as Caesar the ape.
Melencholia - I put off watching this movie until last night because I dislike Kirsten Dunst THAT much. But, I also knew the film was directed by the always weird and always startling Lars Von Trier. His film "Breaking the Waves" changed the way I look at cinema and the way I look at love. This movie was his meditation on depression and the end of the world and it rocked. Maybe it's because I understand what its like to be a depressed bride, or maybe it's because the film also star the ultra awesome Charlotte Gainsbourg but the movie is great. It might be a good one for those of you who hate Von Trier, or haven't seen any of his films yet. It has all the female suffering, social failures (i.e. marriage, jail, community) and crazy of his other films but it isn't as hard to handle.
The Muppets - Okay, I am cheating a little here. I haven't actually seen this movie yet. But, I am the biggest fan of the Muppets
Cave of Forgotten Dreams - I know, watching an old German film maker go exploring an old french cave sounds about as exciting as watching paint dry, but rust me. When the film maker is the quirky, smart, talented Werner Herzog then you know you will get something original. The cave is about 30,000 years old and no access has been granted to film makers prior to this. It is astonishing, and you should see it.

2012 - Looking Forward: "The Year of Cage"

2011-12-28T08:10:00.000Z

Usually I am the first person to trumpet the words, "Last year sucked. This year will be way better." But I can't really claim that this year. I think 2011 was pretty darn good, and in the last two weeks of said year I find myself happier than I have been in a long time. I know the trend, the common response at the end of the year is to look back and take stock of what you have done, but I am not going to do that this year. Nope, I am going to resist the temptation to list all the crazy, (Cain, Gingrich, Bachmann, AND Perry all running - who left the doors of crazy town ajar?) amazing, (OWS, I actually completed NaNoWriMo) and downright absurd (Rebecca Black sings about days of the week and becomes famous) things that happened this year. Instead, I am going to jump in my time machine and look forward to 2012. Come with me!

Jan. 1, 2012 - I ring in the New Year while singing karaoke in Prague. I kiss my fella and raise a glass to toast the new year. I also look incredibly fabulous in a floor length purple Halston style gown.

Jan. 3, 2012 - I wake up groaning at 6:22am and head back to work after my winter break come screeching to a halt.

Jan.11, 2012 - It's my Birthday! I go out to dinner with my friends, and see a movie.

Jan. 14, 2012 - My Birthday Party! Through a miracle, I find karaoke on this night and dedicate it to myself. I sing all night while consuming many cocktails, none of which I purchased for myself. And, I look incredible again.

Jan. 15, 2012 - I don't leave the house. I stay in bed all day and watch movies to cure my hangover. My always sweet fella surprises me with Phó. I do not look incredible.

Jan. 20, 2012 - I remember that I vowed to read at least 60 books this year and stop playing Angry Birds.

Jan. 28, 2012 - The day I stop writing the year as "20112"

Feb.8 - I cook a birthday dinner for my man. He is happy and thinks I am rad. Later this week I will try to throw him an understated, adult Birthday party which quickly turns into a night of drinking and debauchery.

Feb. 14 - Valentine's Day. I make a card for my guy and take him to the movies.

March 16 - I realize that my plan to wait out the New Year rush at the gym was a good one, but I could probably have gone back a month ago.

March 17 - I go back to the gym.

April 3 - The secret plot i am hatching for a new career is coming along smoothly and I start getting motivated.

April 27 - I find 100kc on the ground and do not look for the owner.

May 8 - I go to the park at Riegrovy Sady and read for three hours. It's Spring in Prague, and therefore time to be out in the nature.

May 22 - I buy an outfit for the two weddings I will be attending next month.

June 12 - Leave for Cesky Krumlov!

June 13 - Attend Allie and Davey's wedding with my guy. We have a great time, and I am surprised by seeing a slew of old friends. I sleep happy.

June 16 - Attend wedding number two in Prague!

July 27 - Summer Olympics begin

July 28 - I realize that I have little to no national pride and resume playing Angry Birds

August 4 - I land in the USA where I am on a road trip taste testing sandwiches across the country. (What?! It could happen...)

September 7 - I eat a sandwich that is so good it disrupts the space-time continuum. I blog about it, and then quickly delete the post out of pure selfishness.

September 27 - I wonder what I am still doing in America.

October 1 - I start planning my Halloween costume and vow it will be "dope".

October 23 - I re think my "dope" Halloween costume when I notice that I haven't done any shopping or planning for it. I decide to dig out that old French Maid outfit and that's that.

October 31 - I end up going as a Zombie French Maid and feel less like a slutty 25-year-old in her underwear on Halloween.

November 1 - NaNoWriMo begins and I am off to a great start!

November 30 - I complete another consecutive National Novel Writing Month! <Streamers are thrown and I get a book deal>

December 2 - I start watching a bunch of "end of the world" movies to get tips on what not to do.

December 3 - I try to track down Nick Cage as he is obviously the only person who will survive the Mayan Apocalypse. I vow to become his accomplice and sassy side kick.

December 22 - The world didn't end, but I am now friends with Nick Cage and feel all the better for it.

December 25 - Christmas Day! All is well and I am happy. I Skype with Nick and he sings "Deck the Halls" dressed up as Santa Claus for me.

December 31 - New Year's Eve and I look incredible yet again. I vow to make THIS year count and no more procrastinating. Nick Cage just smiles and laughs, he knows me better than that.

One More Sleep Til Christmas

2011-12-24T08:59:00.000Z

It's December 24, and for the first time in the last ten years I have a Christmas tree in my home. It's a small tree and it's sitting in an old cardboard box rather than a stand because stands were just too expensive. The little tree took a tumble in the middle of the night so my flatmate anchored it to the wall with some pretty Christmas ribbon. The tree is lit with red Ikea stars and tiny green lights, and the little guy even has some presents 'neath it. Sure most of those presents are gifts from my students, but a gift is a gift. The decorations are all paper ones that my students colored for me, including the little angel perched atop of the tree. It is meager, but still beautiful and Christmasy. I don't know how it happened, but somehow, someway I got a little Christmas spirit this year. A true Christmas miracle.

And now its December 24th. Here in Prague that means it's Christmas Day. For us Expats it is a very quiet day as most shops and stores are closed, and most Czechs are at the cottage in the nature with their families. I plan on spending the day with my flatmate and my fella relaxing, and then later this evening raising a glass of Christmas cheer with a few of my closest friends. I have my Christmas playlist all ready, Monopoly and other assorted games and lot's of chocolates. By the time Santa gets here, he just might not want to leave.

And I have been a good girl this year. No matter what has happened I have met my challenges with grace and positivity. Or, at least as much as I could muster. I have tried to be both a giving and forgiving person, and I have done my best to do as Mr. Dickens says and keep Christmas in my heart all year. In fact, the tree was not something I really did for myself, but for my flatmate. She was excited for the holidays so I thought it would be nice for her to have a tree. I never thought that I would be the one enjoying it so much. My inner cynic, who is usually the vocal one on this blog, seems to have settled down for a long winter's nap.

We sat together next to our little tree and watched "It's a Wonderful Life" - the first time for her - and I couldn't help but smile. And I guess that's what Christmas is all about. I look at my counterparts in America with their big families and their big trees without envy. I am happy and content to celebrate the holiday watching "Bad Santa" and eating Chinese food. I am happy walking the streets of Prague with a steaming cup of mulled wine in my hands. I am happy. Period.

So, with just one more sleep til Christmas I want to wish you all the happiest of holidays. I hope that no matter how you celebrate that you are even a tenth as happy as I am today.

Top 10 Christmas Movies

2011-12-13T20:55:00.001Z

I know! I can't believe I haven't done this before now either! Well, there is no time like the (Christmas) present. So, I hope you have been good, here is my top 10 holiday films.

Die Hard - Sure, it isn't a warm fuzzy holiday movie, but isn't there enough of those? I say bring on the explosions and the pithy one liners! I want to see evil "Europeans" taking over high rise in L.A.! And of course there is the added bonus of Bruce Willis. Making fists with his toes.
A Muppet Christmas Carol - Hands down my favorite film Scrooge. Sir Michael Cane kills as the old miser, and never for a second does he let on that he is acting against Muppets. The songs are awesome, The Great Gonzo plays Charles Dickens, and it leaves you with a happy, sappy feeling. I watch it every year.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas - You got your Whos down in Whoville just chillin, waiting to devour some roast beast, when along comes Mr. Grinch. (Voiced, of course by Boris Karloff) I still get a little teary when the grinch's heart grows three sizes and breaks that little measuring device. It just doesn't get any better. [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51qNBFBVtUE&feature=related]
A Christmas Story - I recently found out that I live with someone who "hates" this movie. I didn't know that was possible. Between the outstanding writing, Melinda Dillon as the best mom ever, and little Randy eating those mashed potatoes - I can't see what there is not to like. And, since I have been teaching kids in Prague, every time I get a kid dressed to go out in the winter I think of Randy yelling, "I can't put my arms down!"
White Christmas - Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye team up for a great movie with some outstanding numbers. One of my favorites is "Lord help the sister who comes between me and my man..." And, unlike "Holiday Inn" (Where the title song debuted) you don't have to put up with a really uncomfortable number done in black face.
The Ref - Nothing says "The Holidays" quite like a dysfunctional family.
Elf - I like this movie because it is a throw back to all of my favorite holiday specials when I was a kid, and it has Bob Newhart. It's sweet, it's funny, and it had claymation. I'm sold.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians - Okay. I am fully aware that this is a horrible film, but I used to love watching it every year non the less. It is cheesy, and silly and B movie fantastic. Martian kids and earth kids join forces with Santa to defeat the bad guys. Badass.
It's a Wonderful Life - Jimmy Stewart and Zuzu's petals get me every time. And nobody ever mention what a fantastic romance this is! George and Mary loved each other, and you could feel it in every frame of the movie.
A Charlie Brown Christmas - I just love watching the Peanuts gang sing at the end. I love the music, and I love that sad little tree. And Christmas isn't Christmas without Linus making me feel like a bad person.
I JUST watched this movie and I HAD to add it to my list. It was simply one of the most clever, fun and original Christmas films I have seen in a very long time. It is called "Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale" I don't want to give anything away, so just read the blurb on IMBD, or just trust me and watch it.

Gilligan's Seven Deadly Sins

2011-12-06T09:43:00.007Z

I have always been a fan of Gilligan's Island. When I was a kid, that show held a little of everything - comedy, people being chased, and someone inevitably being hit with a hat. What more could you want? It had pretty girls, (and I had notions of growing up to be Marilyn Monroe) action and adventure, and it made living in a grass hut look glamorous and pretty fun. I think the coconut industry owes a debt of gratitude to that show. But alas, poor castaways. Each week they would devise a way off the island. And each week Gilligan would screw things up resulting in nobody going anywhere.

The man responsible for the show (and The Brady Bunch! I guess I owe him a debt of gratitude!) is Sherwood Schwartz. It is rumored that he once said that each of the characters represented one of the seven deadly sins Pride (the Professor), Anger (Skipper), Lust, (Ginger), "and the rest". Gilligan was supposed to be Sloth.

An interesting analogy. A great little piece on NPR (which you can read here) claims that it may even go further than that, that the Island itself was actually HELL and the red shirt wearing Gilligan was the devil. And if the gang wanted to get off the island all they needed to do was murder Gilligan. Poor guy.

I don't know if all of that is true, but it sure got that little hamster that runs in that little wheel in my head moving. What if Prague was "Gilligan's Island" and my friends and I had to embody the seven deadly sins? Who would we be? It's kind of a hard question since living in Prague inspires many of the sins to move front and center. I mean folks come here to indulge in gluttony, lust and sloth and then end up with a little envy, pride and wrath.

I thought a lot about it and I can honestly say that nobody comes to Prague, or stays here for greed - unless it is for beer - which then just becomes gluttony. No, Prague is not the destination for those seeking the wealth of The Howells. Greed is pretty much useless here since you don't really make any money working in this country.

So I moved on to sloth. Now there is something I could wrap my life around. I feel that I am sloth, a lot. I come home from work and put on my softies and write or watch TV, or a movie. I love nothing more than to sit in bed reading or watching The Daily Show. SLOTH incarnate. But then I got to thinking about why I like sitting so much. The answer is because I work my ass off. I work 40hours a week, I go to the gym, I come home and - for the last month - I spent my spare time writing a novel. So, I don't think I am sloth. I think I am resting after working pretty hard.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I am pretty well rounded. Sure, I have my moments of lust or vanity; even envy and gluttony rear their ugly heads. Just ask my flat-mate about the amount of cookies I can consume in one sitting. But I don't think that I live my life around one of those ideals.

I know some people here (and in the states) that do. I know people that live for money. I know people who exist to consume - whether it is alcohol, or "stuff" they just gotta have it. I know some people that live life to serve the mistress lust, and luckily I only know of a few people who lead a very prideful life, or who are filled with wrath.

My little island of Prague isn't so much filled with seven deadly sins, but rather seven mildly annoying habits. We have laziness, hangover, malaise, frustration, lack of ambition, public drunkenness, and ardor. Not so bad. I'll take my annoying little habits over sins any day of the week.

And as for Gilligan being the devil? No way. The devil isn't some nimrod stranded on an island with a bunch of people who got lost on a three hour tour. He's got better things to do. Like toss back back a few with his pals Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich. Sorry I couldn't resist.

What Next?

2011-12-01T10:10:00.001Z

As all of you know, a rousing huzzah was sounded yesterday when, for the first time in 8 years I finished my NaNoWriMo novel. It felt good. Heck, it felt awesome. I wrote 50,000 words in a single month and I could have kept going. In fact, I might keep going. I have nothing better to do, and now I am feeling a sense of loss. The competition is over and I am ... bored. I got into a habit of writing everyday, and now I am left with a big hole in my world.

Truth be told, I do not have a "finished" product. I validated my novel at 50,327 words and it still has no ending. But, the goal was to write at least 50,000 words, and I did that. It is a pretty big deal for me since it means I didn't give up, I didn't quit and I learned a valuable lesson in focus and discipline. And I actually had fun doing it.

So, I guess I could spend December finishing my novel and editing it, but I have a feeling that no one will ever read it. It might just be a waste of my time. Maybe I should spend December at the gym, losing that ten pounds that crept up on me. I don't know. What i do know is that if you start anything, and keep with it, stuff happens. Good stuff happens. I began last month with less than an idea and I ended with a novel. Maybe if I begin this month with a first draft, I'll end with an awesome novel. Or, maybe if I start this month in the gym I'll end up with a rocking body. But whatever I decide to do, I know that I can finish it. I have the pudding, and the proof is in there.

The Art of the Novel

2011-11-28T17:10:00.002Z

It's almost December. Prague is getting all dressed up for the winter holidays, and putting extra blankets on the bed. That means it's the end of the line for all of us NaNoWriMo-er's out there. It's the home stretch, the last couple of days before this month of feverish writing, sleepless nights and nervous breakdowns ends with a silent turn of the calendar. And I feel confident in saying that I am going to finish this year, although I had more than a few moments where I quit.

But I didn't quit. And I actually learned something about myself! I learned that I am moody and I have very deep introspective thoughts and feelings of self doubt and feelings that I am a a complete and utter failure. I learned that I am a "real" writer. I am an artist.

I quit three separate times this month and each time I complained that there was no point to all of this, and why bother since no one will ever read the novel anyway. But I always went back. Why? Because I like to write. I have something to say. I actually cared about the stupid characters I had created. And I was NOT going to fail for an eighth time. Sure, my NaNo is probably pretty crappy, but at least I did it. I sat down and wrote 50,000 words of (mostly) coherent fiction in 30 Days. That is pretty bad ass.

Being Alicia

2011-11-18T11:47:00.002Z

I watch a show called "Being Erica". It's a Canadian show about a quirky and spunky young woman who is given the gift of time travel - within her own life - and the opportunity to go back and fix regrets. It's a silly show, but it's fun. I like the idea of someone on TV actually growing from their mistakes rather than repeating them again and again, season after season.

This season Erica is faced with the knowledge of her death. She is told when and where she is going to die and challenged with living in the present knowing what she knows. Does she change the way she lives and the choices she makes because she will die in five years? And of course, it got me thinking...

We make choices everyday, little choices and big choices. We choose to wake up and go to work. We choose to skip a day at the gym in order to spend time with our friends and family. We choose the burger over the salad, or perhaps we choose to take that shot at the bar Friday night and spend all of Saturday paying for it.

These are all choices. Most of them we make without even thinking. They are habits, or things that we no longer think we have a choice in but we do. We think, "I have to go to work." But do you? Do you have to? No, you don't. But the consequences are not worth the pleasure of a day off so most of us make the choice to go to work.

On the show, Erica has a moment of thinking that she'll just live with abandon since she knows she will die in five years. We have all had that thought, or played the "If you knew you would die tomorrow, what would you do?" game. But there was a twist - what if your choices shape and change your reality? What if you DON'T die in five years? Will you still be happy with the choices you made?

I think that life has to be a combination of seizing the day, and working for something bigger. Without something to dream about, without a goal we all get lazy. For me, I have always wanted to write a novel. Well, there's not time like the present. I am doing it. And even if it is crappy, I can check that off my bucket list. There is no reason for not accomplishing something you want other than you choose not to.

It all comes down to choices that YOU make. Don't like something? Choose differently. Feel fat? Put down the cookie and go for a walk. In a rut? Change something in your routine. Hell, five years ago I decided to change my life and move to Europe. Guess I can check that off my bucket list too. But I want more. What motivates me and keeps me going is the thought that at any moment, I can change my life.

Again.

Of Harassment and Molestation

2011-11-14T10:44:00.002Z

I am taking a break from my NaNovel to write about a little problem see emerging in the states. I guess this problem has always been there, but I thought that we had gotten to the point where we as citizens were not going to put up with it anymore.

Herman Cain, one of the Republican Presidential hopefuls has been accused of more than one count of sexual harassment. He has settled out of court for some very large sums of money. Now that these facts have come to light he has gone from denial, to I don't remember to flat-out asshole. I can't believe that people in America are putting up with this. A man who has no respect for women has no business being our commander-in-chief. Sure, almost every President has had an extra marital affair or two, but that is between two consenting adults. Reaching your hand up a woman's skirt is a different story. That is uninvited and that is harassment. He should be hanging his head in shame rather than running for office.

And what about the Penn State child molestation/abuse scandal? How in the world did this happen? Powerful men with clout and good reputations knew they had a predator in their midst and decided to stay quiet. They failed to take any real action (read: call the cops, press charges, fire the asshole) and now the school is suffering for it. Not to mention the children that could have been saved this trauma. The cult of football reminds me a lot of the Catholic church and its views towards child abuse - tuck it under the rug and cover it up.

All of this is wrong and embarrassing. It is pretty simple, when you see a wrong being done it is not only your duty as a citizen, but your duty as a human being to do something about it. If you see a woman being harassed in ANY way, then be a human being and put a stop to it. If you know of children being hurt, then call the police. Period. Nothing should come before the safety of a child. nothing. The fact that a football association put itself before the safety of a child is worth being outraged about. the fact that Herman Cain is so pompous to think that he could get away with treating women the way he does and STILL be elected President is worth being outraged about.

And be outraged. Show your outrage at the polls and where your money is. Don't send donations to Penn State. Don't vote for Herman cain. Be a human being.

My Man cover

2011-11-10T19:42:00.000Z

Ok. This is just a little embarrassing, but oh well. Here is me singing one of my all time favorite songs fairly well. I made a few mistakes in the middle section, but decided to leave them in because quite honestly I didn't feel like doing it twice. And perfection is overrated, right? So, you get what you pay for and since it's free, be happy. I only ask that you feel the need to comment, please be nice.

My Man - here

http://youtu.be/Qf77qFJk5ts

In Which I stop Whining and Just Do it

2011-11-07T17:39:00.000Z

I am a strong believer in the old adage that idle hands are the devils playground. I don't believe in boredom. I am a go getter. Sure, I sit and watch T.V., just like everybody, but I like to have some real hobbies as well. Just this weekend I purchased two new paint by number kits, a long forgotten hobby of mine. I also go to the gym, write this blog, play the ukulele and sing. That's a lot of stuff to keep me busy.

But not enough. Not for November. November for me means one thing: National Novel Writing Month. Those of you who know me know that I subject myself to this unique torture every year with varied results. The idea is to get all us writer types off our butts and get us moving, or writing rather. Participants have thirty days to complete a 50,000 word manuscript. It must be fiction and it must be a "new" idea. As in, you start actually writing on November 1.

So, I have participated for 7 years (this is the 8th) and 7 times I have come up short. Yesterday I came to the only logical conclusion for this: I am a big fat quitter. But why? I'll tell you why. Friday night while I was writing my novel, my old as fuck computer overheated and I lost about 200-300 words. I was bummed. I decided the only thing to do was to quit. I started all the negative thinking that goes along with this type of situation. "Well, I wouldn't finish anyway, so why bother?" "It's stupid. Who is even going to read it? What a waste of time." "I'm not even a good writer."

So, I took a break. I sat down with a friend and watched some T.V., but I was still thinking about my story. Then my friend said something that clicked. "It makes you happy, right? So, that sounds like reason enough. You were pretty excited about this, so I think you should keep going."

He was right. The only reason I was ready to give up was because I knew I could do it. I was afraid of succeeding. I thought about it and realized that I have a pattern of sabotaging myself when it comes to new endeavors. I am scared of being successful at certain things. It's pretty fucked up because the things I am scared of being good at are the things I am best at - like singing and writing. If I had taken one or two opportunities that had come my way in the past, I might have a nice little singing career by now.

So I started thinking about my friend who lost two whole days worth of writing, (like 4000 words) and how she didn't give up. She kept on writing, and is still going for it. It's a tough challenge and there are days when you don't feel creative. But hell, if I can wake up and go to work everyday, go to the gym and find time to watch The Biggest loser, I can find time to finally shut up and just do it. I know I say this every year, but this time is different.

This is the year. mark my words. Mark them!http://www.nanowrimo.org/

Ode to Linus

2011-10-28T15:26:00.002+01:00

I have always felt a kinship to Linus van Pelt. As a child I carried around a "blankie" and I sucked my thumb. Blankie would travel with me everywhere and I pity the fool who would try to take it from my tiny little hands. We were inseparable. But I don't think the fact that I had a constant companion, or the fact that said companion was an inanimate object made me any less awesome. It is said that Linus coined the phrase "security blanket". What is more awesome than that?

I think little Linus is the unsung hero of the Peanuts gang. Linus is undoubtedly an old soul. He is often dropping philosophy or theology on the gang leaving them stunned into silence, or reverence as the case may be. He has a blanket which he uses as costumes, a companion, hats, weapons, you name it. When Linus was being teased by a bully he fashioned his trusty blue blanket into a whip, snaps off a tree branch and tells the bully, "They never tease me more than once."

The most important thing about Linus is obviously the invention of "The Great Pumpkin". This kid invented his own shaman like being called "The Great Pumpkin" who would visit the most "sincere" pumpkin patch and bring gifts. Now, sit with that just for a second. He is the only person in the world that believes this, and in his description he uses the word "sincere". Linus is a man of faith and high morals. Linus understands what it means to be a believer. Linus like Halloween, a lot.

So, Happy Halloween Linus. And may the Great Pumpkin finally rise out of the pumpkin patch and bring toys to you, and all of the other boys and girls in the world.

Five Years

2011-10-24T18:30:00.002+01:00

: Me five years ago - in my first flat in Prague.

This month marks my five yearanniversary for living in Prague. We call it a "Prague-aversary". When I came here back in 2006, I had plans to stay here for a year. And that first year was so hard that I am shocked that I survived. But I did survive. And I still am.

Most people don't have any clue what it takes to pick up and change everything about their lives. Hell, I had no clue. I didn't know what I was getting into, and I still wake up some mornings and wonder! But what I got into was living. I think I was a little dead before I decided to shake up my life. I had gone from one horrid (dull, boring, mundane) office job to the next hating every second of it. I always knew that I wasn't cut out to be a desk monkey, but I just didn't know there was anything else to do. No one ever told me it was possible for me to move to a different country and find happiness.

And find it I did. It wasn't just sitting there waiting for me to pick it like a daisy, but it was there. I had to work for it. Changing your life isn't easy. And I would venture a guess that it is probably harder to do in a foreign country, but who said it would be easy? I have fumbled, failed, cried, choked, sighed, given up all hope and even thought about packing it in. It's hard. But...

: Me five MINUTES ago - in my current flat in Prague.

Prague has taught me so much. I have learned that getting lost is just part of life - and getting lost in Czech is even harder. I have learned that old women will beat you senseless if you even think about getting in their way on a bus. I know that all I need to travel is a carry-on bag and my passport. I know not to stress about the small stuff, the big stuff or the in between stuff because no matter what happens I will probably need to get it sealed and stamped before someone says I did it wrong and "it" is given back to me. I know who cares about me and has my back. I know when push comes to shove that I can handle myself and that I am strong both physically and mentally. I know that home is what you make of it.

So, with this little post I wish myself a happy Prague-Aversary. I have done well here. I am happier than I have ever been. Way to kick ass, Brooksie.

Makeup Crutch

2011-10-14T05:35:00.000+01:00

Everyone is aware that beautiful people have it easier. Everyone is also aware that beauty is subjective. But, I think there are some standards of beauty that the majority of people agree on. (Catherine Zeta Jones, Brad Pitt, Ashley Judd, George Clooney - all considered beautiful by most average folks.) Most attractive people have symmetrical features and are neither above weight or over weight. I am pretty sure I fall in the middle of the spectrum. I am no Catherine Zeta Jones, but I am not ugly either. I think I am average.

I recently read this article in the NYTimes, and it disturbed me. It states that women who wear makeup increase their likeability and appear more competent - depending on the amount she is wearing. How unfortunate.

Makeup should be fun. I use it when I get dressed up, or I am going out for a night on the town. I like the colors and the shiny glamour of it all. There is nothing inherently wrong with makeup, but I would never use it in my daily life. I don't wear makeup to work unless I am trying to cover up some dark circles from lack of sleep. I don't wear makeup if I am just hanging out with friends. I like my face and I think my beauty doesn't come from lipstick, eyeliner, mascara, blush, or anything else we lady folk smear on in an attempt to feel more attractive.

In the 1960's women were literally show pieces in the work place. It was part of your job description to look good. One needed to be fashionable, and this included wearing makeup. But, a woman was not expected to be more than that. She got the coffee, answered the phones and looked good doing it. Today women are in the corner office but still expected to adhere to an outdated sense of professionalism in the workplace. All men have to do is show up and adhere to the dress code. A woman must show up and look pretty. But not too pretty. And not too sexy. But, a little sexy. And wear makeup. But not a lot. We don't want you walking around looking like a street-walker. (sigh)

And I don't buy the argument that we wear makeup because it makes us feel good about ourselves. I think that women who feel the need to wear a ton of makeup everyday have a warped perception of themselves and probably glean a lot of their self-worth from otherpeople's opinions of how they look. That is NOT feeling good about yourself. Feeling good about yourself means looking in the mirror (makeup free and naked) and liking what you see. Not liking what you see once you paint on a second face. Personally, I think I look pretty without makeup and I probably think that because I never got in the habit of seeing myself with makeup on a daily basis. I see women with a lot of makeup on and think they look freakish, or clown-like. I have no desire to look like that.

I don't think this is something that we have to just accept. And, I don't know how true it really is. I should point out that the research was paid for by Procter & Gamble, which sells CoverGirl and Dolce & Gabbana products. I think that like every industry, the makeup industry is playing to a woman's insecurities. If you tell a woman she isn't good enough if she doesn't look a certain way, history shows that eventually she will believe you.

When Elizabeth Arden and Helena Rubinstein took makeup from "whores" to the everyday woman, it changed history. They redefined the concept of beauty and sexuality. These two woman started a multi-billion dollar industry and told woman that we all have the right to be beautiful. And that was the beginning. (You can watch this awesome documentary about the t wo mavericks of the beauty industry here.)

You are not beautiful. BUT, you CAN be if you buy this lipstick.

And we did. And we do. But it has now become a crutch for many women. Some ladies "can't leave the house" without some sort of product on their face. Some women claim to just wear enough makeup to "look natural". Huh? (A side note on "The Natural Look" - it was invented by the cosmetic industry in the 1960's when the hippie movement was taking hold of American women. How do we sell makeup to women who want to look natural? The beauty industry's biggest trick on women: to sell them makeup to make them look like they were not wearing any make up.) I have even seen women wearing a full face of makeup to the gym. We women continue to buy into the myth that the way we look just isn't good enough. And it never will be. We won't be accepted in society if we aren't pretty enough. And the way to fix that is makeup.

I propose this challenge to all my female readers: Spend a week without makeup and see how you feel. For those of you who just cringed and felt sick, spend ONE DAY without makeup and see how you feel. My guess is that you will start out feeling strange and uncomfortable without your mask on, but eventually you will start to see yourself again and like what you see.

If makeup is supposed to be fun and accentuate beauty, then we should feel beautiful to start with. If not, you are only covering up something you find not good enough.

What is Occupy Wall Street?

2011-10-10T12:32:00.002+01:00

If you listen to the different news casts, read the different press coverage about what is going on down on Wall Street, you might be a little confused. Some news agencies are focusing more on the "how" rather than the "why" and that doesn't help anybody. Sure, there are some folks down there who are just acting like turds - but not the majority. And is that what we should be talking about? No. We need to be discussing the why. We just need to be discussing.

And THAT is what Occupy Wall Street is about - discussion. Group participation. Occupy Wall Street is a model of what the protesters want the economy to be based on. The people have spoken and they are pissed. They are disenfranchised. They are fed up. They are looking for a model of economics that is less capitalistic (read: corporations are sucking the money out of the system. There are no jobs. People are in debt for their education they got to get a job that isn't there...)

One option is Participatory Economics - an economic system that is based underlying values that seeks to implement equity, solidarity, diversity, workers' self-management and efficiency. They want to accomplish goals without wasting valued assets. In order for this to work society, culture and politics need to be in harmony, which as we see right now - they are not.

I don't think OWS people are asking too much. They want a living wage, single payer health care, free college education, alternative energies, a $1 trillion investment in ecological restoration, a racial and gender equal rights amendment, open borders, closing all U.S. nuclear power plants, and complete international debt forgiveness. Sounds good to me. Oh, and an end to corporate greed. no problem.

I think the best thing to come of all of this is the actual protest itself. It's awesome to see American's come together and get 'er done. We need more of that in America. Obviously America is broken. It isn't working anymore. It fosters inequality over fairness. Some Presidential candidates are asking you to view the protest through very narrow lenses. Cain says if you just apply yourself, you'd be rich. Romney says its class warfare.

But what about the many Americans that have been laid off? What about those poor schmucks that paid for college through student loans and now can not only NOT pay off the loan, but can't find a job? What about families who got screwed over by the banks that are greedily taking their money? The banks have spent years privatizing profit leaving the people and the country broke.

We are at a tipping point. If the country keeps going along the way it is ("Greed is good!", self interest over togetherness) we will fail. And that is unacceptable. It is time for revolution. It is time to stand up and say, "Enough!". Start by boycotting companies that serve only their own self interest. Do what you can at home. Make some noise.

Fitness

2011-10-05T09:39:00.000+01:00

As most of you know, I am a big fan of "The Biggest Loser". I love everything about that show. I love that people are trying to get in shape. I love watching the workouts and challenges. I love watching the contestants crumble at the foot of a treadmill. I love watching the trainers yell at fat people. I love watching people lose hundreds of pounds and gain self-confidence just by changing their diet and learning to exercise. It's awesome. It inspires me to workout more. And I have been.

I finally (after two and a half months!) got paid. You might not believe this, but I was chomping at the bit to get into the gym. It had been a while since I worked out and I was starting to feel soft and weak - two adjectives that I would rather not associate with myself, thank you very much. So, I marched right into the gym and purchased a month-long pass.

I want to set the record straight before I get any further. I don't go to the gym to lose weight or get skinny. I go to the gym in order to feel good and gain strength. I run because it makes me feel good. I lift weights because it makes me strong. (and feel like a super badass) I like my body. I have an ample posterior, a nice rack and a middle that is sometimes little and sometimes the result of too much beer and Choco Moos. But I don't worry about it. I am happy with myself. I can do ten push ups, and I can do five pull ups. I rock.

Recently, my flatmate and I have taken to watching Australia's Next Top Model. It is a much better version of the Tyra Banks vehicle we all pretend to hate but watch anyway. The models on this show are not "curvy" or short. They are not against type in any way. They are tall and thin. And weak. One episode featured the models doing a workout and a few of the girls couldn't even do a sit up. Not only did some of these girls look disgusting - collar bones and ribs protruding - they looked unhealthy. Gross. I would rather have hips, tits and ass thank you very much. I don't want to be a contestant on The Biggest Loser, but i don't want to be a contestant on America's Next Top Model either.

I want to look like Alias, or Angela Basset in "What's Love Got to Do With It". I want to be strong and healthy. I want to be able to outrun the zombies when they finally stage their uprising. I want to be super ME. And Super Me isn't a weak, skinny, helpless girl. Super Me is a strong, fit, capable, hot badass babe.

Now all I need is a cape.

Class Warfare

2011-09-24T11:02:00.000+01:00

I have never been a fan of "wealthy" people. In my thirty-seven years on this planet I have found that section of the populace to be the least accommodating, the most greedy and by far the most demanding. Rich people want to keep their money, not spend any of it and acquire more of it. Yes, I know not "ALL" rich people are like that. But if the Richies get to say that all poor people are lazy folk who want to suck from the teat of the all mighty tax payer then I get to make a few generalizations of my own.

And I am a poor person. I work full-time. I am a teacher. But if I made my Prague salary in America I would be considered in poverty. And I guess that makes me a threat to people with cold hard cash. I am a threat to people who have more than enough. I am a threat to people who own cars and wear expensive clothes. I am a threat to people who have private jets. I must be, for they are afraid of me and my public transportation pass.

Our President is asking that the very few wealthy people in America pay their fair share, pay what people with less are asked to pay. They call this an act of war. I call it common sense. It is a human duty of those with more to give back and help those with less. But like I said, rich people are greedy and accommodating. Mr. Boehner says that the President has declared class warfare but fails to see that this "war" has been going on for years. I think it started about the time of the Bush-era tax cuts.

The gap between the "haves" and the "have nots" in America is startling. And it is growing. It has been growing for decades and is getting worse. If this kind of ridiculous pettiness continues there will be a REAL class war. Asking for equality is never unfair. What is unfair is asking the middle class to support people who don't need it.

The Women

2011-09-21T10:24:00.000+01:00

I am constantly on a quest to become a better human being. I try to explore new things, foods, books, art, movies, music, people. I am a firm believer that if you are not constantly changing or growing, then you become one of those boring people who sit at home every night watching E! as your source of major news. And who wants that? Not me, that's for sure. I try to explore every option available to me. I meditate. I (try) to eat healthy and exercise, and I try to be a giving and all around nice gal.

But last night I was confronted with a major hurdle in this quest. I was brought face to face with one of my very own issues. Women. Before you jump down my throat, let me explain. First, as you may have derived, I am a woman. So I don't "hate" women. I am a feminist and proud of it. I just don't really like that many women I meet. I always tell my lady friends to feel lucky, because I don't have the time or tolerance required to be friends with many women. When I meet a new woman she has a very small window of time to prove to me that she is not one of the ones who annoys me. Unfair? Maybe. But maybe not. It was brought to my attention that I might not have given a certain lady a fair shake. Again, I'm not sure that I agree with that, but it at least deserves some exploration.

Men are easy to read. They don't play games designed to deceive. With men what you see is generally what you get. They tend to be a lot less sneaky than their female counter parts. I know this sounds a bit sexist, and maybe it is, but I am a woman and I know what I am talking about. The problem is: not ALL women are lame, boring, self-centered, game playing twits - but I feel like they are. Maybe I don't give them a fair chance. Maybe. But when I meet a girl and she talks like a valley girl, has no real knowledge of the world around her and is obviously more concerned with her looks than anything else I find it hard to want to get to know her.

Sure, there are men like that. But with men, it takes but a second to see it. They just put it out there. I don't have to spend time getting to know a guy only to find out that underneath his carefully planned out exterior is an empty center. Women have a very calculating way of presenting themselves; one way for men and another way for women. I hate that. And therein lies my problem. How do I get past my issues with women and give them a fair shake with out ending up wasting time on a bunch of assholes?

The answer is, I don't know. I am a pretty badass chick, and I completely understand someone wanting to hang out with me. I would want to hang out with me. But, I am also just to damn old to sift through female game play. I know when a woman is being fake and I stop right there. I would like to get to know more women and maybe give them more of a chance, but it is going to be a hard road ahead. There are a lot of creative, cool, funny, intelligent woman out there and I would love to meet them and collaborate with them. But, I guess I can't do that if I shut them off before I get to know them.

In Which I Abstain From Drinking

2011-09-19T10:03:00.000+01:00

Let me start by letting you know that I have had a few drinks this month. Now, before you start yelling at me let me please remind you that my month of sobriety is just that: a month of SOBRIETY. That means that the three drinks I have had this entire month did not get me drunk, nor were they taken together. I have remained sober the whole of this nineteen days. And it really hasn't been that difficult.

September brings with it the annual Burcak Festival in Prague. As most festivals in Prague, it celebrates alcohol. (You can read about it here) What that brief little article doesn't really clue you in on is the absolutely obscene hangover that Burcak gives you. It is tantamount to being beaten by a gang of angry robots with no off switch while simultaneously having each of your hairs being plucked out by a near-sighted, palsied chicken. In a word, it is miserable. The problem is that no one ever really remembers this.

But I remember. I remember the headache. I remember the heaving. I remember the bargaining and the cold sweats. Oh yes, I remember. That is why I was so very thrilled that this year I would not experience any of that. I was to remain sober. And I did. I had one cup of the sickly sweet liquid and that was it. Sure, more would have helped me enjoy the Czech metal band that was "rocking" the stage at JZP, but I was not about to have my first hangover in 19 days be the result of Burcak.

I ended up going to a bar with some friends after the festival. I did a very good job of abstaining (having one shot of whiskey) and amusing myself by posing stupid questions to drunk people in order to see how far they would take it. The highlight of this activity was when I posed the question, "How do you like your sandwich cut? Rectangles or triangles?" This sparked a debate the likes of which I have not seen since I asked a group of Czech folks which beer is better - Czech or German. It seems that people (drunk people in particular) have very strong opinions on the way in which to cut a sandwich. It was even proposed that rectangular halves are a punishment, and that triangles are inherently more fun and therefore a more preferable shape for food.

As the evening became very early morning I had decided that I didn't really need alcohol to fuel an evening. I could be amused just as easily without it as long as I kept my wits about me. Fucking with people is a very good pass time for sober people because drunk people rarely know they are being fucked with. I'm sure next month when I resume drinking I will have a different opinion, but for right now messing with people is good enough. http://www.radio.cz/en/section/curraffrs/burcak-the-traditional-young-moravian-wine-in-season-again

So You Wanna Work With Kids, Huh?

2011-09-12T18:02:00.000+01:00

I hear it all the time from fresh eyed twenty somethings fresh off the plane from the US. "I just LOVE children! They are so sweet and innocent." - A sure sign that they have never actually worked with children. And please note that when I say "work with" I mean en masse. I'm not talking about one-on-one tutoring or baby sitting. I'm not even talking about 3 or 4 little rug rats. I am talking about a class of 25 kids who range in age from 2-6. Oh, and English is not their native language.

When I did my TEFL course oh so long ago, (I attended TEFL Worldwide Prague, if any of you are interested. It was badass!) I never dreamed that I would end up teaching kindergarten. But that is just what has happened. I just wish someone had filled me in on those little things that aren't so little. It would have made my first year of tiny people a lot easier. So, here you go: Things you need to know before you take a job teaching children in the Czech republic.

The kids here are WAY over mothered. Did you know that in CZ a woman can get up to THREE YEARS off of work when she has a baby? During this time she is paid a percentage of her salary and her job is available to her when those three years are up. Needless to say most women don't opt to go back to work. Czech women look down on women with children who choose to work. (Heck, they look down on women who have NO children. Or no man. But that is for a different blog.) Most women spend the first three years of their kids lives at home with them. No "Mommy and Me" classes. No socialization for the youngster. And, very little attention paid to things like diet, reading or behavior. The kids spend three years getting what they want when they want it. And then they come to school and it is now YOUR problem. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Czech kids have to change their clothes. A lot. For some reason I still don't quite understand, Czech kids have about 1275332 changes of clothes for the day. The parents seem to freak out over dirt. They need inside/outside shoes, hats, pants, and shirts. In the winter time it is almost laughable at the amount of clothes you are expected to take off, and then put on a kid in one day.
Your employer will expect you to be a mom, and a babysitter. Oh, and teaching will be fine also. You will be hired as a "teacher" but you will probably be asked to do more than that. If you are not comfortable changing diapers or doing dishes then say so early. You get paid less teaching kids and it is harder work. So set your limits before signing a contract.
Czech kids have HORRID table manners. They lick plates. They drink from soup bowls. They play with their food. Stop this behavior before it goes to far! I have seen adult Czech's doing the same thing. And speaking of which...
Czechs let their kids pee outside. Where ever they are. It's gross. I see little kids peeing all over the city. And you know what? Those kids grow up and keep peeing in public. If you've been in Prague a week, you know what I am talking about. My kids know that it is not allowed at school. I tell the parents that if their child is in an international school, they need to have some international manners.

That's about it. It isn't all bad. Kids are fun and goofy and silly. I get to color and paint every day. I even get to play with legos. the hardest part of my job is dealing with the parents. And, well they don't listen any better than their 3 year old.

Red Curry Lentil Soup

2011-08-28T17:18:00.001+01:00

: Note: This is not a picture of MY soup, but it looks like this. :)

I have become a bit of a small time chef since I moved here. I often wonder if I would be able to cook back in the states with all the fancy ingredients and cookware available. At any rate, I have been asked a few times for recipes so I thought I would put some here. Ingredients are listed as they are found here in Prague (for a change). You US folks shouldn't have a problem finding any of the stuff. So...

Ingredients

1 cup red lentils
2 med onions
1 stick cinnamon
2 bay leaves
6 cups water
1 tablespoon ghee (clarified butter)
6-8 curry leaves (or basil leaves as substitute)
2 tablespoons curry paste
1 tablespoon curry powder
1 teaspoon ground pepper
2 teaspoon ground cumin (or to taste)
3 cloves garlic (minced)
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon minced garlic
1 cup coconut milk (OPTIONAL)

Directions

Soak the lentils in water for an hour or so. (This makes them easier to digest) Discard any lentils that float to the top.
Drain and put into a pot with water, one sliced onion, garlic, cinnamon, pepper, curry powder, cumin and bay leaves. Bring to boil. Cover and simmer until lentils are soft and most of the water has boiled off. (but leave a little water, or add some back in)
Slice remaining onion very thin. While the lentils are cooking: In a large skillet or saucepan, caramelize the onion and basil leaves in the ghee. I like to add just a little curry paste to this as well.
Take out the bay leaves and use submersion (stick blender) blender to puree lentils, onions and spices.
Stir in the onion basil mixture and remaining curry paste and place over med heat.
Let simmer, serve immeaditaly. If a richer soup is desired add the coconut milk at the end and stir until blended.

Temperance 'Tember

2011-08-27T11:35:00.000+01:00

Living in Prague is awesome. I love it. I love the seasonal changes. I love the fact that even though I have been here almost five years, at times I still look around and say "Holy crap! I live in Europe!" I love the massive amounts of holidays in this country and I love the fact that the culture isn't centered around work/business. I love sledding in the winter and the beer gardens and parks in the summer. I love the cheap booze.

This is a city of excess. If you want it you can find it in Prague. And you can find it 24 hours a day. (Unless of course if what you want is food. If you want food you have to get it before 11pm or wait til the stores open. Sure you can get hookers at all hours, but not a hamburger. Oh Denny's! Where art thou?) And that is one of the great things about Prague cheap booze 24/7. But it can wear on you.

I've been trying to "get healthy" for a while now, and I have been doing an alright job. I lost some weight, exercised sporadically and cut back on booze and smoking. I even gave up gummy bears. My body responds well to being treated nicely. When I don't drink or smoke, I feel good. When I spend 45 minutes running, I feel good. When I eat a salad rather than a frozen pizza, I feel good - and a little hungry.

Temperance is a core virtue in Hinduism, Taoism and Buddhism. It is having control over excess. And for me, that is what September is about. Buddha said, “Temperance is a tree which as for its root very little contentment, and for its fruit calm and peace.” And I agree. I am not giving up the joys of alcohol forever. Nor am I judging those who keep drinking. I am detoxifying my body as I have my life. I seek total peace in my surroundings, my relationships and in my professional life. I have made it a point to get out of toxic relationships with friends and other people in my life that are not a positive influence. I have left behind jobs that lead me to feel stressed and taken advantage of. My home is now a place of light and air and comfort. I now need to make peace with my body.

I don't think it will be difficult. I start a new job that will have me up at 6a.m. every day so, that will in and of itself modify my behavior on week nights. That just leaves Saturday and Sunday. It will be a challenge not to get wasted with my friends, laugh, and act like a jack ass; but I think if I keep in mind that it is just for thirty days it will be no problem. It will also solidify my decision to not use cigarettes any longer. The only time I seem to want one is when I get drunk. So, remove the alcohol and the smokes will follow. I think my friends will be supportive of my decision and not make fun of me. And I promise not to tease them when they are hung over and I am awake and feeling good.

Wish me luck and good fortune on my journey friends, and I will see you on the other side. I will let you know how it goes either way.

Creatures of Habit

2011-08-23T13:56:00.000+01:00

Whether we like it or not, we are all creatures of habit. There might be a coffee cup you choose every morning out of the fifteen other coffee cups available to you. (Mine is a dainty white porcelain cup with the name Martina written on the back in red script, and a weird picture of an animal that is half cat, half racoon. I call the cup "Catcoon".) You probably get in the shower and proceed to wash your body parts in the same order every single day without ever noticing it. You rarely take a different route to work or eat something different or unexpected for lunch. Your day is a parade of activities that is as common and placid as gray slacks and a white button down.

So, blow it up.

Start small. Try choosing tea instead of coffee on Thursday. Order Moo Shu Pork instead of Sweet and Sour Chicken when you get Chinese take out. Read a book from a new author, or better yet a new genre. Go jogging outside instead of running on the treadmill. Go shopping at a different grocery store and buy an exotic fruit you have never eaten.

It seems silly, but little tiny changes in your day can lead to big changes in your life. I know, I know, I sound like Oprah. But bear with me for just a minute. In the past month and a half I have had nothing but free time and a very clean slate. My entire life changed in the course of two weeks. I moved. I went from living alone in a small flat to living with someone in a much bigger place. I changed neighborhoods. I got a new job. I have an oven. My weekly karaoke tryst was taken away. But instead of fighting the tide, I dived in.

I started cooking things that I have never tried before - some to great acclaim, some straight to the garbage. I found new restaurants, new bars and new ways to waste the infinite amount of time on my hands. I had forgotten that I am a creative person. I hand made a goofy looking doll, I made a colorful cover for a very "Czech looking" notebook, and I even fashioned a festive DIY shirt for the Prague Pride parade. I found a few new places to sing karaoke and was quickly asked at each why I don't have a band.

If you never try new things, then you'll never know if you are changing and growing. Five years ago I tried on a new country and found it to be a pretty good fit. How's that for thinking outside the box? I'm off to the movies. And, for the sake of doing something different I am going to get a small popcorn instead of a large. Oh yeah, I know how to walk on the wild side.

Brains V. Beauty

2011-08-21T09:14:00.000+01:00

I write this as a woman who considers herself of average looks. On a good day above average and a little sexy. That's right I am sexy. I know the power of sex but I don't wield it carelessly. I don't think I could even if I wanted to because as I said, I am an average beauty. I am laughably short, busty, I have (as Sir Mix A Lot would say) "Back" and long blonde hair. I'm alright. Good looking enough to get by. Let's just say, I am not one of those people who you feel sorry for when you see them on the bus. I understand the power of beauty and of sexiness. I also understand that it is a full on conscious decision that one makes. High heels, a perfume dip and cleavage as far as the eye can see does not happen naturally, or on accident. Look in any woman's magazine and see the proof.

Being a woman means that I am aware of my looks every day. I am aware that I am judged by men and women alike based on my hair, my face my clothes and my body. I am aware that I can manipulate any of the aforementioned to fit my purpose and to get a desired reaction. Beautiful women are masters of manipulation whether it is a conscious or unconscious decision.

But brains are not. You are either smart or you are not. I have always held fast to the statement that I would rather be thought of as smart rather than as beautiful. I sincerely hope that when people think of me they think, "Gosh! That Alicia is one clever lady.", rather than, "Woo! That girl is hot!". The second is not very gratifying and it just doesn't last. People age and gravity happens to all of us. I'm fine with that. I do what I can to keep myself looking young (such as work out, eat healthy, take my vitamins) but I won't ever be in line for cosmetic surgery. That's just not who I am. I pride myself on the fact that I can carry on a conversation on just about any topic. I can hold my own when it comes to the arts, politics, cooking, film history, American history and so forth. If I don't know, I am smart enough to fake it. And smart enough to know when YOU are faking it. PlayingDevil's Advocate is one of my favorite pass times.

: I'm a failure as a woman. My men expect so much of me, because of the image they've made of me — and that I've made of myself — as a sex symbol. They expect bells to ring and whistles to whistle, but my anatomy is the same as any other woman's and I can't live up to it. Statement c. 1962, as quoted in Marilyn (1992) by Peter Harry Brown and Patte B. Barham, Ch. 30

Marilyn Monroe is historically thought of as one of the most beautiful women who ever lived. And she is. But she struggled her whole life to be thought of as more than that. She was a very smart and witty woman. If you read through some of her journals and interviews you will notice how quick she is. She once said "Arthur Miller wouldn't have married me if he thought I was a dumb blonde." And that's a good point. Yet most people say that he married her for her looks.

Like Marilyn, the struggle for all of us is to be taken seriously. A woman can be sexy and smart, she shouldn't need to choose. And yet many women dumb themselves down in the company of men. They think that it makes them more attractive and it makes men feel important to know more. One woman I know said to me, "Men like to show off their knowledge and I like to let them. If it makes them feel better to feel smarter than me, what's the difference? As long as he comes home with me I'm happy." The problem is being disingenuous to boost the male ego makes the rest of us ladies look stupid. I don't want to be with a man who has to think he is smarter than me. I want a guy who IS as smart as me. And if he is smarter? Well, then I now have someone to learn from.

But I have to say, the women who focus on looks get exactly what they want. They are the ones who get the compliments. They are the ones who get the attention. They get daily validation on their appearance and therefore focus on it more and more. So maybe those women are on to something. Maybe we all need to focus more on how we look so men will pay more attention to us.

Or maybe there is a balance. Nobody wants to be (or be with) someone who doesn't care about how they look. Ladies want a man who put some care into his appearance (but not too much. Nobody wants to be with THAT guy) and men want a someone who they can be proud of. And that's alright. But what if we started placing more emphasis on brains? Instead of making women dependant on compliments about their appearance, make them crave compliments on their mind. How often does your boyfriend ask you about your opinion on world events? Did that guy you like ask you about what you think of the debt ceiling? Guys, do you ever tell her she is smart rather than hot?

I guess if I could choose I would want to be like Gillian Anderson's Agent Scully from the X FILES. She was super smart, clever, funny, and easy on the eyes. Her opinion always mattered and she worked side by side (not under) with Mulder. She didn't have to convinceanyone that she was smart OR sexy. You knew the minute she walked in the room. That's what I strive for. I've set the bar pretty high with a fictional FBI Agent who is played by a glamorous movie star, but I have my size sixes planted firmly on terra firma. I'll never actually be her - but I can be just as kick ass. Cause hell, the world has not seen what I am fully capable of. My kung fu is just as good as yours, Agent Scully.

PRIDE and Prejudice

2011-08-14T10:39:00.002+01:00

Yesterday was the first (and hopefully annual) Prague Pride Festival. Thousands of people came out to celebrate, party and be a part of a day of acceptance and tolerance. I was one of them. I marched through the city center rubbing elbows with drag queens, bears and trannies wearing my DIY pink PRIDE tank top. Not since I lived in San Francisco have I had the opportunity to hang with such a great gay community.

The march was fun-filled and very peaceful. The people who came out to watch seemed to enjoy the colorful atmosphere. And how could you not? It was a parade of thousands of people who were SO happy to just be allowed to walk down the street without being called a name or be able to hold their partners hand. My male friends sported rainbow buttons and buttons that said "I heart Boys". Hell, I was wearing a button that said "I heart My Penis". Tranny Pride! Everyone got into the spirit of the event.

The march ended in a festival that hosted two stages, DJ's, dancing and live music. I danced in the hot sun, drank a sangria and took some awesome pictures with the Leather Daddies. There were men, women, families, gays and straights all having a great time in the name of tolerance. The small spattering of rain didn't stop anyone from celebrating.

Unfortunately, the only time I noticed intolerance was within my own circle of friends. One of my Czech friends came to the festival and their distaste for the event was evident. One can say they support gay rights - HUMAN RIGHTS - but words are cheap. My mom always told me that actions speak louder than words, and I think she might have been right. My friend not only refused to come into the festival, but they refused to wear a rainbow button, backing away from it as if it were fire. My friend also refused to a communal toast to "Yay for Gay Pride". On a day of tolerance, how could one be so intolerant?

The Czech Republic has come a long way. I have lived here almost five years and I am happy to see that they are finally getting on board. Sure the politicians still have their heads up their very up tight asses, but they will come around. They will have to. And hopefully the new generation of Czechs will be more tolerant. I think they learn words like "deviant" and "immoral" from the parents and grandparents and never question the validity of what they learn. But it is time to start questioning and pushing. It is time to start actually BEING a tolerant society. I do it every day. I don't particularly like that most Czech men don't smell very good, most Czech people think of beer as the second coming, or that Czech people generally cheat and think it's ok. I don't like that when some straight people get married they think the world has to stop for them, but when a gay person wants to get married it infringes on their personal rights. I don't like that people with kids think they have more rights than me just because they have kids. Yeah, I don't like any of it. But you know what? I tolerate it because it's none of my business.

Time in a Bottle

2011-08-08T12:31:00.000+01:00

An unhurried sense of time is in itself a form of wealth. - Bonnie Friedman
When you are not working you have to plan the mundane details of your life. You need to set a time and day for each task, giving it room to breathe and stretch and expand. If you go to the grocery store, do laundry, wash the dishes, and pick up the flat all on Monday – whatever will you do on Tuesday? Never mind Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. The days tend to ooze together like some soft gelatinous “thing” or taffy that has been left out in the sun. I take walks around the neighborhood and I read a few chapters in whatever book is waiting next to my bed. I do anything that does not require me to spend money. There is no internet at my flat until the end of the week so I cannot fill my day with endless hours of “missed” television, or read internet articles about the glorious history of the chickpea.
With three more weeks left to fill before I regain status as a fully employed worker bee, I am left with a strange cocktail of emotions. I am one part eager – eager to get back to work and busy myself with my new job and feel useful. I am two parts anxious – anxious about my new school, and a little anxious about all this free time I have been given. I don’t want to waste it, but at the same time – I have no income. Every morning I wake up and swallow that cocktail and try to ease in to the day with a little help from Jacqueline du pre and nescafe instant coffee.
It’s 1:00pm now and I have already gone downtown on a fruitless shopping expedition, done a load of laundry and stopped by the mall to use the free wifi at McDonald’s. I shared a table with a charming Czech woman who thought I was "too nice to be from the UK." I am going to buy some groceries and then call it a day. And that’s enough for Monday because, like Scarlett said, tomorrow is another day.

Vinohrady - Again

2011-08-03T15:43:00.002+01:00

Just this week I moved into a new flat in my old neighborhood. I didn't realize until this morning how much I missed living here. I took a walk down Vinohradska and over to Riegrovy Sady Park and got a happy feeling. I am pretty sure that at one point there was skipping. And giggling. So much has changed, and yet so much has stayed the same. There are still cute little coffee shops and restaurants scattered about the streets, Dagmar still works at the Albert and there are still smelly bums in JZP Park.

But I made a few new discoveries on my morning jog. There is a Farmer's Market at JZP Park! I had no idea! (For all you newbies or people who don't read my blog JZP is Expat slang for Jiřího z Poděbrad. Yeah... YOU try saying that the first week in Prague.) There is a new restaurant that specializes in Phở - a dish that is very hard to find in Prague. I even saw a pizza place that features a Ninja Turtle on the sign. I don't know if that is good or bad, but I do know I am going back to take a picture.

: Typical Czech Panelak

I also forgot how beautiful it is here. Down in Zizkov most of the buildings are old and just getting older. Most are from communist times and are just plain ugly. They are called panelaks - which are huge, tall buildings with a bunch of flats squeezed together. Not the most inspiring sight when you walk down the street. Vinohrady has a few of those still, but it also has a great deal of beautiful buildings that make you think, "Hell yeah! I live in Europe!"

I love Zizkov and I always will but it feels good to be back where I started.

Top Movie Scores of All Time Ever in the World!

2011-07-29T12:18:00.000+01:00

I'm sitting here in my new flat while the guy who came here to change the locks and broken windows is having a nice conversation on the phone. I could be here for a while. So, instead of stalking people on Facebook or reading more about the debt ceiling, I will give you a new list! A few of you have expressed "WOO!" after reading my lists, and lord knows I like making them so, here you go.

I chose film scores because I love movies. If a movie is done well, the score will add to it and be just as memorable (ala Jaws. Would that shark have been half as scary with out the famous "Da dum Da dum..." ?) In no particular order, here you go!

1. Star Wars - John Williams Duh. I know it is an obvious choice, but the music in this movie is seriously bad ass. It has seeped into our collective brain and we all know what it sounds like when Darth Vader is on the move. I walked down the aisle to the Imperial March.

2. Pather Panchali - Ravi Shankar A beautiful movie about love, family and redemption. It is highlighted by the sitar music throughout. It made me fall in love with the film.

3. The Godfather - Nino Rota I had to do some research about Mr. Rota, and I'm glad I did. It seems he is responsible for some of my favorite movie scores! Aside from The Godfather, the Italian composer did such gems as 81/2, La Strada, and Romeo and Juliet. The Godfather score is hands down the winner, but they are all awesome. Give a listen.

4. The Mission - Ennio Morricone I saw The Mission in the theater when I was 12 years old. I didn't understand everything that was going on in the film, but the music stayed with me. The score is haunting and inspiring. The movie is pretty bad ass too. Sure I could have gone with "A Fist Full of Dollars", but I thought for once I'd be a little classy. You're welcome. [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MuyQQD-EAOQ]

5. Escape From New York - Alan Howarth & John Carpenter Ok, granted - this is not one of the best film scores of all time, but it is awesome. Maybe I just have sentimental feeling for the movie, but every time I hear it I feel that time is running out! It sounds like all of Carpenter's score's - simple, keyboards, and momentum. Say what you will, I still like it.

6. Amélie - Yann Tiersen The music is so much a part of this film that it is hard to separate the two. Both are full of personality and life. I am a sucker for piano, and add a little accordion to it and I am sold. It's quirky and beautiful, just like the film. [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sp_obiTlGFM&feature=related]

7. Gone With the Wind - Max Steiner All of Max Steiner's scores are full of drama, and I love music that is full of drama! Thus my love for Meatloaf, show tunes, Barbara Streisand and films from the 1940's. Gone With the Wind is one of the most famous scores of film history and one that sweeps you away. Every time I hear it I want to watch the movie.

8. American Beauty - Thomas Newman Another haunting piano driven score. The music in this film was perfect, and it is a nice distraction to the man hammering in the next room. Newman, take me away! His music in Road to Perdition was a close second. Actually his entire catalogue is spectacular.

9. El Mariachi/Desperado - Los Lobos Just awesome. I dare you to listen to the "Mariachi Suite" and not fall in love with it. The movies are pretty bad ass as well. [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tu4Hnbor9rI]

10. Buckaroo Banzai - ??? This is a toughie. I have always had a soft spot for the music in this film, but it seems that you just can't find it anywhere. If you are interested in hearing "The Glory Walk" which makes me smile every time, check out this article. But here it is: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MqJ3iGBdOo]

11. Cannibal Holocaust - Riz Ortolani Have you seen this? Probably not. It is an Italian "Horror" film that is so graphic it was dubbed as a "snuff film". Either way, the music that goes with the blood and guts is so calm and beautiful it makes the EWW factor that much more icky.

12. Harold and Maude - Cat Stevens One of my favorite films of all time wth one of the best soundtracks ever. Steven's wrote two songs just for this beautiful love story. It all works. Maude is my hero. [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EKGze_1DWbE]

And that's all folks. I could write about Jaws and Psycho, but what's the point? You all know that the music from ET is great, Wizard of Oz is timeless, and that the score from "Lawrence of Arabia" is legendary so I thought I'd throw you a couple you might not have heard. That's all for now. I'm going to go walk around the other room and see if dude is going to finish before I go gray.

Glenn Beck Compares Norway Massacre Victims to Hitler Youth

2011-07-26T10:08:00.003+01:00

It's only been a month since Glenn Beck was cancelled from the FOX line up. I was only too happy soaking in the glorious bliss that was his silence. Until today. I guess he decided that the world must have forgotten what an ignorant, douche bag-tool he is.

On his radio show he said, "There was a shooting at a political camp, which sounds a little like, you know, the Hitler youth. I mean, who does a camp for kids that's all about politics? Disturbing."

Let's just break this down for Mr. Beck, shall we? (Where's my chalk board? he seems to respond well to chalk.) First, the political camp in question is a camp with a long tradition in teaching kids about DEMOCRACY. Last time I checked the Nazi's were not really big on that idea. Check out what Torbjørn Eriksen has to say, he is a former Press Secretary to Norway's Prime Minister. "Young political activists have gathered at Utoya for over 60 years to learn about and be part of democracy, the very opposite of what the Hitler Youth was about. Glenn Beck's comments are ignorant, incorrect and extremely hurtful." Amen brother.

Knowing that Beck is a blow hard and all around awful person isn't enough. When someone like this is given a public forum, and people are dumb enough to actually LISTEN to him, it becomes scary. I know a lot of people worship at the feet of The Beck and take his word as Gospel. But let me just set the record straight on this one issue, the man is DEAD WRONG. And an idiot. I am pretty sure that there are quite a few camps aimed at kids who want to learn more about the way our country is run. In fact I think Beck sponsored a similar program himself in order to make more little conservative douche bags. Does the Tampa 9/12 Project ring a bell Beck? "Kids aged 8-12 years old will have fun while learning the principles of liberty, free markets, and limited government. They will also learn the values of personal responsibility, faith, courage, hard work, reverence and thrift.” Limited government? Hard work? Hmmmm....

Hey Pot! Glenn Beck is on the phone, he say's to tell you you are black.

The Post Where I say "Awesome" a lot

2011-07-18T17:21:00.000+01:00

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.

- Anatole France

No matter how good you are at pretending everything is okay, at some point reality will come flying in. And probably through that window you left open in the kitchen. It will flutter about for a bit. It will squawk and squeal, and it will taunt and hide. It will basically mock you until you have had enough, slam down your fist and take action. Because once you take action reality isn't that scary.

I have said this before, but it bears repeating - Prague is a place of perpetual motion. People are always coming and going. The laws are always changing and no one knows what they are. People break up, and people fall in love. Jobs are lost, forfeited, abandoned and found. My day-to-day life here in The Golden City is different from week to week, and I find that awesome.

If you haven't figured it out by now there are some major changes in play for yours truly. I am moving out of my quiet little hobbit hole for one and into a flat with my best lady friend. I am excited about the prospect. As much as I love living alone, (and I DO!) I think living with someone again might be exactly what I need right now. It's nice to have someone to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer with, or have spontaneous whiskey laden dance parties in the living room. The move is also saving me a little bit of money in the long run. But the best part is I get to decorate a new flat, and this flat features an oven! Awesome! Brownies, baked french toast and macaroni and cheese, oh how I've missed you. It's the little things.

Another big change comes in the form of a new job. I left the pre-school where I had been working for the last two years in search of something better. I found it. My new job is still with kids but I don't have to change diapers, I get my very own class room, and I will be left to my own devices. Awesome! I am a good teacher and I am excited to work in a real school rather than a glorified day care.

I couldn't be happier. I mean sure, some money would be cool, but I'm not going to worry about that. I think you make your own happiness. There is plenty in my life that I could complain about or blame other people for, but I'm not going to do that. Mostly because I would then have to hit myself in the face for being such a douche bag. Instead I am letting reality fly freely around me as I pack my boxes in search of bigger and better more awesome things.

And I'm excited. Because good or bad, I made the decisions that led me here.

10 Books You Should Read

2011-07-13T19:03:00.002+01:00

: From Anagram Bookstore in Prague. I used to work there!

I like lists. I like books. Here is my list of 10 books I think everyone should read - in no particular order. You are not going to see Atlas Shrugged, Sidartha or 1984 on my list. I didn't like any of them. My list is all good baby. My criteria? My exceptional taste in all things.

A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving - This should come as no shock to anyone who knows me. i have read and re-read this book at least a dozen times and each time I find something new. Funny, epic, strange and lovely. My favorite book of one of my favorite authors.
To kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee - What I have always loved most about this book, aside from Harper Lee's remarkable gift for story telling, was Scout - A little girl who is slowly realizing just what it means to be a woman and what a huge disadvantage that is. If only we all had dads like Atticus Finch.
In Cold Blood by Truman Capote - By now everyone knows the famous story behind the book. There were two films made about it, and both of them leave Capote looking like the selfish ass he really was. And I don't care. Have you read this book?! Perhaps the most well written true crime story ever published. Creepy and page turning.
Bluebeard by Kurt Vonnegut - All you Chuck Palahniuk fans take note! This is how satire is done. I could have chosen just about any of Vonnegut's books, but this one stayed with me the longest. So it goes.
Where are you Going, Where Have you Been? by Joyce Carol Oates - This title is actually one of JCO's short stories, and one of the reasons I decided i wanted to become a writer. Although she has written many fantastic books that I love, this remains my favorite work of hers. It is in about a billion short story anthologies. Go find it. Oh, and it is quite disturbing.
Alias Grace by Margaret Atwood - By far my favorite Atwood novel. She tells the story of (actual) murders that happened in 1843 through a fictional voice of a doctor researching the case. I was gripped from page one, and blown away by the ending. She is a master story teller.
Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë - Heartbreaking hatred. I LOVE this book. It shows the dark side of love in all of it's twisted glory. If you want sweet, sticky romance, try a different Brontë. Although her sister's Jane Eyre is one of my favorite books of all time, it's Wuthering Heights that keeps me coming back.
Wind Up Bird Chronicles by Haruki Murikami - If you want to read a story that transports you somewhere, then this is the book for you. The writing is clever, the story creative and funny and the characters are memorable. One of the best living fiction writers today.
My Life In France by Julia Child - This book isn't just about glorious food, it's about life. I loved this book! I related to her on multiple levels - we are both from Pasadena CA, and hated it. We both moved abroad and LOVED it! Read it, it might give you some courage to live a new life! This is far and away my favorite book about life as an expat.
The BFG by Rold Dahl - The story of a little girl who couldn't sleep. I adore this book and all the grizzly giants, dream catchers, frobscottles, and Whizzpoppers. (That last one is farts.)

Next up? 10 books that I feel are worth skipping.

Mommie Mia!

2011-07-06T07:46:00.000+01:00

Did you know that in the Czech Republic a woman can get up to three years off of work when she has a baby? That's right,THREE YEARS. And when those three years are up, she can go back to work. Oh, and she is getting a portion of her salary while she is away (depending on her job). At first thought the idea sounds great. How liberal! How pro woman and pro family! But on second glance?I have spent the last two years working at a pre school in this country and that has opened my eyes to a few of the flaws of this three-year off system.

Women in this country of all ages, social standing and backgrounds take advantage of this system. Have a baby! And when those three years are up, just have another! A woman in the Czech Republic could feasibly never have to work a day in her life. After all, it isn't her responsibility to financially care for her children and provide for them - it's a man's job. Why should she have to get a job when she could be at home with her kids doing nothing? Most women don't put their kids in school until after they are three. The ones that do send their precious babies to school keep them out so many days that it hardly matters if they go or not. Little girls learn very early here how to manipulate men to get what they want. And they are learning from mommy. They are also learning that women don't need to work. (barf)

The small percentage of women who do chose to go back to work are so behind that they usually quit. I had one student who was back from baby leave after three years who had no clue what was going on in the office. She was lost. She complained about missing her toddler. I felt bad for the person who had been doing her job for the past three years and got booted.

Women in this country are expected to be at home with their "baby" (which they call their kids well into their college years) as long as possible. Women who go back to work are looked down on and made to feel guilty; like they are lesser mothers because they are working. And to remind all of you Americans reading this, we are talking about going back to work after three years. YEARS. Not six months.

Which brings me to the biggest issue I have with the whole system - the kids. Kids in this country spend their first three years at home with mom. And I mean that almost literally. I have had more than one new kid at school who has never been in a school, or a play group or even out without his mommy and is dropped off for the first day of school terrified of being without mom. Some of them still in diapers. How is this a good thing? So many children in this country are spoiled, and anti social because of their attachment to mom. Both little boys and girls are coddled - not expected to put on their own shoes, or hats or even feed themselves. that's what ~~women~~ mom is for.

But I see the other side of the "let's set the women's movement back 50 years" issue. I get to see the absolute sense of triumph a kid feels when she learns to put on her own shoes without help. I get to see little kids feel confident and happy going to school and making friends. I don't care if it makes mom feel bad. Holding a kid back so YOU feel better is selfish. And so is sheltering and coddling a kid for three years.

The Czech system needs to be changed. There is no longer any need for these crazy "incentives" for procreation. Hell, just take a walk around Prague and count the babies and pregnant women and you'll see what I mean. The system is unfair to children, women, and the companies that employ these women. Not to mention it promotes the special brand of sexism that only Czechs do oh so well.

A woman's place is at home with babies. If she gets out, just knock her up again. But you'll have to take time off from that mistress you have out on the cottage in the nature.

Presidential Hopefuls

2011-07-01T19:03:00.000+01:00

The requirements of becoming the President of the United States of America are sparse and simple. You must be a native born US Citizen. You must be at least 35 years old. And, you must have lived in the United States for at least fourteen years. One the one hand, this simple list of requirements is American to the core. When we are young our mother's say, "You can be anything you want when you grow up. Even President!" And it's true. With only three easy requirements, technically anyone CAN be president. On the other hand, is that a good thing?

In this day and age of easy information, and even easier misinformation, I don't know that it is a good thing thatanyone can be president. Sarah Palin is out there telling us that Paul Revere was out there warning the British, and Michele Bachmann wants us to remember our founding fathers like John Quincy Adams. These aren't cases of someone "misspeaking". These are cases of stupidity. I think there need to be some added requirements to becoming President of these here United States.

Any candidate must pass an oral test about the history of the United States. This test will be on a fifth grade level. The test shall be given in a public forum, like "Are you smarter than a Fifth Grader." Here are some good sample questions!
I think the elections need more zazz. The polls are so old school! We should be able to call or text in our votes. And screw the network pundits. I think Ryan Seacrest should be the only election night commentator. He would add tension and excitement and roll "clips" of the candidates eating supper or walking the dog. Awwww. The candidates will have to preform some sort of live talent - like juggling puppies or spelling Mississippi.
Each candidate will have a live, one hour, televised "chat" with Jon Stewart. He's smart, quick witted and knows what to ask. And heck, he's cute and funny!

I think with these added requirements the American people won't be so easily won over by politician double talk, bullshit and straight up stupidity.

Language Barrier

2011-06-20T16:56:00.000+01:00

I have lived in the Czech Republic for almost five years and I still can't read or speak Czech. Sure, I have some base knowledge. I can read a menu, say hello or recognise the occasional spoken word here and there, but I would never say that I speak Czech.

Part of this is completely my own fault. I have not been very proactive in learning Czech. Back in 2006 we had very brief Czech lessons in my TEFL course. This was very basic beginner Czech and I recall being very frustrated and having a hard time with it. I think I gave up way back then. It doesn't help that most Czechs that I meet tell me not to bother since Czech is a difficult language to learn, and nobody else speaks it. I realized early on that I could get by with english and basic Czech phrases so I stopped trying.

On the other hand, I have a really hard time learning languages. I never took a language in High School, and even growing up in LA didn't help my spanish skills. When I moved to Mexico I was determined to learn spanish, but I ended up only staying there for four months so there was no need. When I came back to Prague I thought about taking a course, but ended up not doing it. My ex was often frustrated with my lack of Czech (since he is fluent) and never fully understood that even when I tried, I couldn't learn.

I think there are just some academic subjects of which some people are better at than others. I am no good with numbers or languages, but I am quite good with writing and literature. I don't know why. Back in college i even attempted to take Greek as a foreign language and realized quickly that I was in over my head. I got as far as the alphabet and gave up.

So here I am going on my fifth year in Prague and I still need help when I go to the post or to the Foreign Police. I should know more, but I don't. I plan on staying in this country at least another year, so I feel like I should give it another go. I just don't know if I want to put myself through the hard work and humiliation that is involved. I have watched my adult students struggle with learning english, and I gotta tell you - I don't envy them. Learning a language is hard. And if I am going to learn to do something hard, I think surfing is more up my alley.

Is That a Scandal in Your Pocket?

2011-06-07T14:52:00.002+01:00

I've always known that guys like seeing pictures of girls boobs. I bet if you ask any (straight) guy if he would be happy getting random boob pictures sent to him, he would say: Duh. But women are a little different. We don't want to see pictures of random dudes dicks. (There's a reason that it is mostly guys on Chatroulette.) I'll venture a guess that the rich and powerful females out there (Oprah? Michelle? Hillary?) don't go around taking vanity shots of themselves and sending them out to strange men. It is a bad idea no matter who you are, but it is career suicide for people in the spotlight, and for those in politics.

Something must happen to a man when he realizes he is both rich and powerful. A brain synapse must go off telling him that all women want him and that he is invincible. Nothing can touch him. If he has political power then what is stopping him from doing whatever he wants? Mistresses? Sure. Lewd photos? Why not. That is what the internet is for, right? I think Shakespeare got it wrong when he wrote, "Vanity, thy name is woman". Seems to me vanity has a new name - WEINER.

Why do these men think they can get away with it in this day and age? Sure, back in the 50's and 60's it was a lot easier to have a quiet mistress, or an odd fetish or two. But not today. Today ANYONE who is in office, or married to someone in office... or who watchesThe Office is up for public scrutiny. Knowing this, why do the Weiners, the Chris Lee's and the John Edwards do it? Why take photos of your oiled pecs and throbbing... er... egos and flirt with the world? It's one thing to take the pictures in the first place. It's another thing to send them out - on the internet - where they will stay forever. And shame on us for watching. If we all decided not to pay attention to these attention seeking ass-hats, then I bet they would stop doing stupid shit.

Karaoke DO List

2011-06-06T15:26:00.000+01:00

Ever since I wrote the post "Top 10 Songs NOT to sing at Karaoke", I have been getting the same question: WhatSHOULD I sing at karaoke? I will now attempt to answer that question. This won't be a list of songs, this will be more of a 'how to'. I will try to guide you through the karaoke labyrinth.

First Time? - I often get approached by some folks who want to sing, but have never braved the high seas of karaoke before. They want to know what to sing. That is a hard question to answer. I always say, sing something you know and like. But that can also lead to problems. Some people have some very questionable taste, and if it is your first time you don't want to get up there, sing your heart out and have people looking at you like you are from another planet. The best advice I have for first timers is - sing a song EVERYBODY KNOWS, and SOMETHING UPBEAT. Songs I would recommend for the newbie are: Anything by the Beatles, Journey, or Bon Jovi. Try an 80's classic like "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves or something poppy like ABBA, Spice Girls or Ace of Base. Even if people don't like the song, they won't be able to help but sing along. Also, get really drunk. You will be more relaxed and you'll have more fun.
Know Your Audience - Once you have gotten past those first time jitters it's time to figure out what "your" songs are. And that depends on WHERE you are singing. When I was in San Francisco I had a heavy show tune repertoire. Here in Prague it's a little different. People here don't really know show tunes, so I had to find some new material. Sure, I still belt out Cabaret, but I have added many a pop song to my list. You want people to like you - sing something they like.
PERFORM! No matter how good your voice is, you still gotta give the folks a show. Don't just stand there and stare at the screen, move around a bit! Pretend you are Lady Gaga or J-Lo. Become the fifth Beatle. Even if you suck, if you put on a good show nobody will care.
BE NICE! This means clap for everyone who gets up there - even if they suck. This means not pestering the KJ by constantly asking when your turn is, or if they have a certain song on the list. This means not being a drunk asshole and grabbing the mic from the person singing.

Pretty easy, right? Just remember that the more fun YOU have the more people will like what you do. You are all in the same intoxicated, amateur, fun lovin boat - so make the best of it!

OBSCENE

2011-05-24T19:49:00.001+01:00

Boobs. Men (usually) like them and women (usually) have them. This is a universal truth. Your mom has 'em, your sister has 'em, old Granny Gertrude had 'em - bless her heart. So why are Americans so outraged at the sight of them?

A friend sent me this article today knowing full well it would get my gander up. And it did. It seems that the image of an androgynous looking fella wearing glam make up and hair set in curlers has some folks stateside throwing a conniption. But it's not because a dude is in make-up. It's because it LOOKS LIKE it COULD BE a woman, and that possible woman is showing her...

Boobs.

Really America? I thought we had gotten over our collective fear of titties. I guess I was wrong. So wrong in fact that popular stores have bagged this issue of Dossier Magazine as if it were the latest issue of JUGS. And it isn't even a woman! When did breasts go from being sexy, awesome things to admire and play with to something we need to cover and hide?

Oh! The ignominy of breasts! We must shield our children from them! Well, after we nurse them. Breasts seem to be fine things when you are a baby and when you are an adult, but somewhere in between they turn into horrible things that will rob our youth of its innocence and wonder. They are obscene!

Well, fuck that. I have lived in Europe going on five years now and I gotta tell ya - boobs are just boobs. Nobody here seems to have a problem with them. You can see them in the park on sunny days and in some restaurants on Topless Tuesday's. You see them in strip clubs and posters in the metro. A big deal you say? Psh! They are just boobs.

Get over it.

Papa Can You Hear Me?

2011-05-19T17:42:00.003+01:00

I am Arnold Schwarzenegger's love child. I know. It came as a shock to me too.

I am adopted, as most of you know. And most of you also know that I have always figured I am Liza Minnelli's illegitimate daughter who she was forced to give up in order to pursue her dreams. (Cue "Liza with a Z, not Lisa with an S") This would explain my height, complexion, and my outstanding belt. I just never had any idea who the daddy could have been. And let's face it - it could have been any number of people. This was the hey day of Studio 54.

Back in 1974, (the year of my birth) The Arnold was all muscle all the time. He was showing those gross, beefy pecks all over the place. It would stand to reason that he and Liza hooked up on some huge coke bender while enjoying the nightlife and the boogie at Studio 54. She probably had to pretend to gain weight to hide the pregnancy, and Arnold shrugged responsibility in order to pursue his glorious acting career. It all adds up. It definitely explains my massive muscles and pension for Conan movies.

When the news broke about this "other" love child I was a little miffed. First off, my story is way better. And second, there is no good reason for anybody to give a damn. It's none of "our" business who my illegitimate celebrity dad screws and then keeps on staff while hiding it from his friends and family. Geesh.

Go Big or Go Home

2011-05-14T11:39:00.001+01:00

If you ask any Czech what the Czechs are best at, they are bound to say beer. And Hockey. And soccer. Actually (like American's) most Czechs believe themselves to be superior in all aspects of life. But the one area that they claim absolute dominance is Pivo. (That's beer to you.) In order to celebrate their achievement in the glories of alcohol and alcoholism, and to have yet another reason to drink vast amounts of beer in the middle of the day, they have the Czech Beer Festival.

The Beer Festival is one of many festivals that celebrate alcohol here in the CZ. And that's great. It should be celebrated! And what better way to celebrate alcohol than by drinking grotesque quantities of it? The Beer Fest features big tents, (ala Ocktober Fest) live music, carnival rides, food and of course beer. You buy "Tolars" which are then used in exchange for all of the above. It's a good system that cuts down on waiting time for booze.

I hijacked a few of my friends on Thursday and we went to the opening day festivities. Upon walking into the tent I had flashbacks of last years beer festival. I recall being so happy (read: drunk) that I started dancing on the table. Hopefully this year would be just as fun. And it was. There was much beer, much laughter and much dancing - although I kept my feet planted on the floor this year. It is a favorite pass time of mine to watch Czech people dancing, so I got double amounts of enjoyment.

We were drinking 15 degree beer (that's about 5% alcohol) so it didn't take long for us to be drunk and rowdy. Which is okay. Everyone in the tents gets drunk and rowdy. It is said that adult Czechs drink about 80 gallons of beer a year, so you gotta do your best to catch up. They take drinking and beer very seriously here. They don't really bar hop and they are the most loyal drinkers I have ever encountered. I have a Czech friend that has been known to bring his own beer mug to pubs so that he has the "right" glass to drink from. One of my former students put it this way: For Czechs in one night you must stay loyal to one woman and to one beer. Ain't that the truth?

My friends and I eventually stumbled out of the tent and made our way past all of the rides. Almost. They took me against my will and harnessed into a spinning torture device deceptively decorated with bright lights and happy colors. The machine lifted us high into the air and spun around whilst swinging to the front, side and back in a seemingly random order. I don't remember much of the ride because I had my eyes shut the whole time and my hood pulled down over my head.

I can still hear the screaming...

I won't kick you out of bed for eating crackers but...

2011-05-10T22:33:00.001+01:00

We've all heard the adage. It states that the person in question is so good-looking that they are allowed the horrible crime of eating crackers in bed, and thusly leaving crumbs. I guess ugly people are relegated to eating their crackers over a dish in the kitchen while the hotties of the world rejoice in the freedom of the bed/cracker loop-hole. Personally I have never eaten crackers in bed (mine or anyone else's) because I don't want to sleep in crumbs and its kind of a jacked up thing to do in someone else's bed.

But it got me thinking... what would I kick a guy out of bed over?

The statement says "kick out of bed" which means that you already have the guy (or gal) back at your place and ready for some action. What would he have to do that is so bad that you tell him to get out of bed and leave? At first I thought things like, "Any guy who doesn't read is out." But honestly if a dude slipped through my rigorous 17 point screening process, managed to get back home with me, and get naked before I found out that he thinks of books as paper weights - then I guess the joke is on me and he can stay. ONCE. But that doesn't really get to the heart of the question.

If I had Brad Pitt (or some other super hot man) in my bed and he started eating crackers, I wouldn't say a damned thing. If he farted? Yep, he could stay. Burp? Sure, why not? Called another woman? Ahhh... now we're talking.

I think my line is a pretty simple one. RESPECT. I would have no qualms about kicking a guy out of my bed (or my life for that matter) who didn't respect me. You might be the best looking guy in the world, but if you call another woman in front of me you are out on your ass. That goes for personal insults too. I don't mind if someone disagrees with my taste in books or music, but if a fella starts making rude comments about my body or personality while in various stages of undress, well, his butt is gone.

And I'm keeping the crackers. He probably wouldn't have shared anyway.

Mommie Dearest

2011-05-05T22:16:00.000+01:00

Moms. They cooked for you, cleaned your butt, bought you stuff, possibly bailed you out of jail once or twice and even pretended to like that loser boyfriend you had back when you were twenty-something. Sure they yelled and screamed and gave you that "I am so disappointed in you" look, but let's face it - you were probably a little disappointing at times. From what I understand moms have the toughest job in the world. I wouldn't know because I am not a mom, but mom's sure like to say it, so who am I to argue. With Mother's Day quickly approaching I thought I would take a minute to pay tribute to some of my favorite mom's.

My Mom. Hell, She had to put up with me and my brother growing up and for that fact alone she deserves a medal. But she also makes the world's best cinnamon rolls, let's me watch Wife Swap when I come to visit and sends me care packages. Thanks Mom!
Carol Brady. Great hair. Great parenting. Great pant suits.
Rosanne. My best friend and I always admired brassy demeanor and no-nonsense attitude with kids. She is kind of the Anti-Carol Brady and I dig that. What?
Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford. I didn't say Joan Crawford because that woman was NOT a good mom. But the MOVIE version, well that is just pure genius. Not only does she beat the crap out of her kids, she looks incredible doing it! Never before has a bath robe and Dutch Boy cleanser looked so chic.
Caroline Ingalls. And again, I am going for the fictional version here. She is pretty much the best mom ever. She is hot. Her kids like her. She's smart. Her husband is pretty badass. Caroline Ingalls should have had a workshop on the Prairie for how to be a good wife and mother.

So here's to all you mom's out there. Thanks for all the cookies and the band aids on skinned knees. Thank you for the slumber parties and gymnastic lessons. Thanks for the extra cash in the bank account when funds ran low. Thanks for the pep talks and even for the fights. And, thanks for telling us not to smoke and have sex - we did it anyway but you can rest assured it totally wasn't your fault.

We wouldn't have turned out the way we did without you.

Of Weddings and Deaths

2011-05-03T17:14:00.002+01:00

"The whole world is watching!"

Someone I know posted that statement on Facebook in regards to The Royal Wedding. I remember back when Chuck and Di got hitched (pre internet, of course) it seemed like the world stopped to watch. I was just seven years old, but I got dressed up to watch a real live woman have a fairy tale wedding. I was enthralled. Now thirty years later and I couldn't care less. Why was the whole world watching a wedding for the British Monarchy? I think people would have realized the failure of this idea back when Anne Boleyn lost her head. But no. The Brits still have a "Queen" and the rest of us still pretend to care. The Wedding cost tax payers 20 million pounds. That's a lot of money for a wedding that you weren't even invited to. Not even a slice of cake! It reminds me of how the folks in L.A. got mad at the cost for Michael Jackson's funeral.

And speaking of dead guys...

Again, the whole world is watching as the US claims some pretty morbid bragging rights over the long-awaited death of Bin Laden. As a country we have been literally hunting this man for a decade. That in and of itself is unsettling to me. Add to it the celebrations erupting all over the USA, and I get a little nauseated. Sure the guy was a murdering, greedy, asshole - I get that. When Saddam Hussein was executed, I had similar feelings. I was living here in Prague at the time and my students asked me about my feelings. It was hard for me to explain to them that I was not "happy" he was dead. They said that they didn't understand.

I have been giving it some thought over the past couple of days. My older Czech students said that they "rejoiced" when Reinhard Heydrich was killed. He was known as "the Butcher of Prague". Maybe if I had been personally affected by the acts of these evil men I might feel more passionately about their deaths. Or would I?

I like to think of myself as a good person. I don't believe in the death penalty because I don't think that Government sanctioned killing is ever a good idea. Not even for rapists and murders. And that is what happened with Bin Ladden. We killed him. I have a moral dilemma when it comes to the evil that men do. Because, if killing is evil and bad then it has to be evil and bad ALL THE TIME - not just "bad" when "bad people" do it.

The whole world IS watching. They are watching our country get excited about a wedding that has nothing to do with us. They are watching us proclaim to be the greatest nation on earth because we killed a man. They are watching us police the world while our own country can't agree on even the smallest things. When my country decides that two people of the same-sex can legally be married, that is when I will rejoice. When my country stops listening to anyone who has enough money to be heard (TRUMP, I'm talking to you) I will rejoice. I know this post seems disjointed, and maybe it is. I am just baffled by our fascination with the rest of the world when we can't figure ourselves out. So, I guess for now I am going to hope the best for those two Brit kids, hope that the death of Bin Laden will somehow benefit the rest of the world, and contemplate the larger problems facing America today - who will win American Idol?

Gustav Mahler was a Tragic Hipster

2011-04-20T13:51:00.000+01:00

This morning I was lying in bed listening to classical music streaming from the good ol US of A. I was dreamily going in and out of sleep while Debussy's "Reflections in the Water" played. I felt like a classical music nerd because I was excited that two of my favorite pieces were played in a row. (Get out! Debussy AND Vivaldi! What great luck I have!) The next piece to be played was from Lehar's "The Merry Widow". The DJ shared this little story right before he played the tune:

"One evening Gustav Mahler and his wife Alma went to see Franz Lehar's The Merry Widow and were surprisingly enthralled. They later danced to its tunes and played the waltz from memory but could not remember one particularly inspiring passage. The following day, they visited Döblinger's music shop, but found themselves unable to admit that they were interested in such a low-brow composition. So, while Mahler distracted the staff with questions about the sales of his music, Alma perused the score of The Merry Widow and memorized the forgotten sections."

This little story struck a chord with me - no pun intended. It reminded me of so many people I have met in my life that are in one way or another "too cool for school". I guess "The Merry Widow" was Mahler's "Secret Shame". I hate the notion of secret shame - grow a pair and like what you like no matter what anybody says. I have a feeling that if Mahler was around today he would be cruising SxSW commenting on how lame all the bands were while sporting a T-shirt that says something like, "Your Blog is Fucking Boring". And I also bet if you picked up his iphone and looked at it you would find a little Bieber. Just sayin'.

Life in the Key of Franco

2011-04-13T15:19:00.000+01:00

Everywhere I turn people are talking about James Franco. My best gal pal here in Prague dreams about him. Bar conversations ebb and flow around his various ventures. I even found myself regaling friends at a bar with a story about him and some kittens. (To my defense: 1 hot guy + 2 sleeping kittens = swooning women.)

I liked the guy when he was on Freaks and Geeks. I liked that show. And he was the broody hot dude who liked to play D&D when no one was looking. I'm not going to say that I related to that, but I'm not gonna say I didn't either. He was a fairly talented, reallygood-looking actor from California. Where I come from you couldn't throw a stick without hitting one of those. I never really thought much of him after Freaks and Geeks. And When Spiderman came out I thought to myself, "Wow, that's that dude who played James Dean in that miniseries. He's hot." And that was that.

Jump to 2011. The man is everywhere. He is hosting the Oscars, nominated for an Oscar, in almost every movie from 2010, going to Yale, acting on a Soap and rumored to be working towards teaching a course on himself. He was a guest on The Colbert Report last week and was rewarded with a longer segment than most guests get. Why? Because America is fascinated with James Franco.

"Does he think he's a Renaissance Man, or is modern America so intellectually bankrupt that anyone pursuing any cultural enrichment of any kind makes him seem intellectual?" - James Franco, Colbert Report

I hate to say it, but Franco is right. America is completely intellectually bankrupt. And we needed a hot actor to point this out. Point taken James Franco, point taken. Think about it - Why is this ACTOR so vehemently hated because he wants to pursue his education? Why do people talk about him like he is trying to kill someone when he says he is an artist? The man wrote a book and people call him a douche bag. Actually, I am pretty sure that I was one of those people... But I see things a little differently now.

What if you had all of the resources that James Franco has? Would you sit on your ass and count your money, or would you seize the giant opportunity that life handed you and do anything and everything in the world that you wanted? I see some celebrities out there who, for lack of a better turn of phrase - take the low road. They party. They get arrested. They spend their time "winning" and making a mockery of themselves. They use their fame as a vehical for nothing more than a way to get laid and get press. I respect James Franco for taking the bull by the balls and DOING something.

I don't have all of the options that hot Mr. Franco does, but I don't let that stop me from pursuing new passions. Money doesn't have to be a factor in everything. I wanted to get a BA - so I put myself through College. I want to be a writer - so I write this blog and I dabble in poetry and short stories. Hell, I even have a crappy Romance novel that I have been working on for years. I took up playing the Ukulele so I could have another outlet for singing and music. The point I am making here kids is this - growth is good. New ventures are good. Change in yourself is good. I have a lot of big passions in life, but I'll be damed if that stops me from looking for more.

So, I raise my Pivo to you James Franco - for putting up a mirror to America's fat, lazy asses. Go out and find something new, and keep striving for more. We might not be as hot as The Franco, but we can be just as cool. If not cooler.

I'll bet HE can't play the ukulele...

All the Single Ladies

2011-04-05T17:44:00.002+01:00

I am single. Unattached. Independent. I am (insert your preferred euphemism here) and pretty darn happy about it. I live alone. I come and go as I please. I answer to no one and no one answers to me. I have said this before but it bears repeating - being a single woman in Prague is no picnic. There is a lack of men for a woman such as myself who holds on to some pretty high standards. I am very picky about who I date. (Hell, I am picky about who I become friends with much less who gets to see me naked.) At any rate, I have not only gotten used to it - I like it.

This is not to say I don't like being in a relationship. That's fine too. As long as it's with the right guy at the right time and I am the right girl... ugh. Too complicated. Relationships are a pain in the ass, and unless you are ready to say, "Yeah I'm gonna love you even when you are acting like an asshole" and actually MEAN IT, then you probably shouldn't be in one.

In the world of relationships guys usually get the fuzzy end of the lollipop. They get blamed for everything. They get yelled at, manipulated, stereotyped and complained about ad nauseam. For every guy out there reading this who thinks their wife or girlfriend complains about him to her pals, you are right. Just take what you think she says and multiply it by about 200 and you'll be close. And most of it ain't nice, if it is true at all. Women are cold-hearted and mean. But why?

The fairer sex spends a lot of time and energy on men. When we (and I use the Royal WE here) are single, we talk about how much we want a guy. We talk about what he could look like, and how great he will treat us. We talk about the great sex we will have and how much we will love him. We talk about his cute butt, or the way his eyes light up when he sees us. I never hear my single friends talking about the guy they hope to find and emasculate in public whenever they get the chance. I never hear chicks sitting around talking about how they can't wait to find a guy so that they can complain about his lack of ambition or choice of shoes. Single girls romantisize men to the point that it is humorous. If the guy they were talking about did exist, he would leave after the first month when she (we) showed her true colors.

I saw a list on Cosmo.com about "How to be a Good Girlfriend" and it shed some light on why some women act like such idiots. The list included things like, "Like what he does... but not too much". What? The suggestion was if he liked football to sit and watch with him. But, when doing so not to get too excited during the game because he would find it a turn off. Women were also encouraged to leave articles of clothing at HIS place as reminders of themselves and to flirt with other men in public because men like to hunt and protect. Basically Cosmo wants you to lie about who you are as much as possible because there is no possible way a man will like you the way you are.

So ladies, I would like to offer some suggestions of my own on how to be a good girlfriend. Of course, take it with a grain of salt as I am single, old and divorced - but still. I might have some good insight for you. Or you can just tell me to go to hell.

Don't listen to anything you ever read in Cosmo.
Don't flirt with or take drinks from other guys in front of (or behind) your man. It's not cool.
Don't treat him like your slave or your puppy. He's your fella. He won't put up with it, and if he does you'll just dump him for being spineless. So don't be a jerk. Treat him like you like him.
Before complaining about him leaving his socks on the floor or whatever, try to think of at least one nice thing to say about him. It might stop you from sounding like a bitch. You gotta know he probably doesn't talk that way about you.
Don't try and change him. You KNOW you wouldn't put up with him telling you how to dress or do your hair, so give him the same courtesy. Like him for who he is, even if who he is has on goofy pants.
Be nice. Not easy all the time, but it sure as hell is easier than fighting. This means don't boss him around in private or public. Don't yell for no reason. And don't lie.

And that's it. And yes, I know it goes both ways, so don't start saying I am sexist. I have been used and manipulated with the best of them. But, I just thought the men of the world could use a break and know that at least one woman out there is on their side. Most of the time. You know, as long as they are not drunk and watching football.

Spring Cleaning

2011-04-03T11:30:00.002+01:00

I read that the term "Spring Cleaning" came from a term that literally means "Shaking the House". I like that idea. Shake the house till the dust falls from the rafters, shake the drapes, open up those windows and cleanse your space. I have done that to the Hobbit Hole, but I think Spring invites a good opportunity to "Shake the House" personally as well. Take stock, dust off the old cranium, and a little out with the old and in with the new.

I am a good person. I am honest to a fault and I am a steadfast and loyal friend. I love fiercely and with a great amount of passion. I am able to see the big picture and I am able to listen and lend a sympathetic ear. I am independent and I don't need a boyfriend or a group of friends to cling to or tell me what to think. I have my own ideas, my own style and my own voice. I am a trusting and giving person until I am shown that it is no longer deserved. I am not quick to anger, I abhor being lied to and will not let someone get away with mistreatment of me or people I love. I am insensitive at times. I am opinionated and brash. I can dish it out as good as I can take it. I don't trust easily.

So... what stays and what goes? What parts of myself just need to be dusted off and which parts are headed for the trash?

Fear. Fear needs to be thrown out with those old Diet Coke bottles that have been building up on my kitchen counter. Fear is the mind killer. It's funny to me that I have been called "fearless" on more than one occasion, because I don't see myself that way at all. But that ends now. I will not be afraid to be awesome. I will not be afraid to speak up for myself. I will not be afraid of losing a friend. I will not be afraid of telling the truth - even when it is hard to do. I will not be afraid to perform! I will not be afraid to be beautiful.

Shake the house. Take out the trash. And for goodness sake open those windows and let the sunshine in!

Maggie the Cat

2011-03-26T08:43:00.000Z

I grew up watching old movies, or "classics" as they call them these days. My favorite films starred women who were dazzling, sexy, brash, smart, funny and full of moxie. I knew from a young age that being a womancould be way more fun than being a man. Women like Rita Hayworth, Marilyn Monroe, Barbara Stanwyck, and of course Elizabeth Taylor shaped the woman I would one day become. Dame Liz died this week leaving a large pair of stilettos to be filled by todays actresses.

Elizabeth Taylor never apologised for the way she lived her life, and I loved that about her. She collected big jewels, husbands, gossip and acclaim. She lived her life loud and with passion - she was frank, sexual and fierce. She was a real woman. Elizabeth Taylor had opinions about everything and wasn't afraid of what the press or the public would think about them. She was a Hollywood icon, a feminist and a personal hero of mine.

Liz Taylor took on roles that challenged the conventional ideas of women. Her very first role (at age 12!) in National Velvet was ground breaking. She played a female jockey. She didn't stop there. Liz went on to play single mothers, call girls, queens, and women who had to fight for their loves, their lives and their sanity.

My favorite film of hers is "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" where she played the crazy, abusive, alcoholic Martha. There was nothing glamorous about this role. She was fat, ugly and frightening. She was mean, cruel and totally bad ass. And Liz took the role without a thought about what it would do to her "image".

I think that is a lesson that today's leading ladies could stand to learn. It's not about what people think of you, or what the press has to say about you. It is about being yourself at all times and not giving a shit. She stood up for what she believed in both personally and professionally and she did it with class. I think that most actresses today are too afraid of "bad press" to stand up for anything, or take on challenging roles professionally. Liz would have NEVER played a woman who's only goal in life was to catch a man. She would have never taken a role that made women look cheap and stupid. I couldn't imagine Katherine Heigl or Anne Hathaway taking on the roles that Elizabeth Taylor did, and doing them without a single excuse or apology.

And that is class. Liz Taylor will be missed, but more than that she will be remembered.