BUDGET

The US National Debt has more numbers in it than a dyslexic like me can possibly hope to copy correctly. But let's just say it is big. Huge even. Check it out herehttp://www.usdebtclock.org/ See? Pretty big. It seems the the US treats debt the way that I treat the flu - don't think about it and it will just go away. But the National Debt needs to bite the bullet and go see the freaking doctor already.

I was slightly more than pissed off yesterday when I read about what we are doing to take care of our little over spending problem. America is taking the "I'll just skip that morning latte and see how much money I'll save!" approach. And it is a stupid approach. We are targeting small programs (such as NPR) and cutting them one by one. There are no plans to cut military spending. The plan targets the little things like education, housing, transportation and even homeland security. 

I think we need a team of Moms to get in there and balance the budget. Seriously. They can carpool over to Washington in their SUV's, throw a few hours at an excel spread sheet and hack it out. Who better to make a budget that we can all live with? When a mom makes a household budget she doesn't look at the little things here and there, she looks at the big picture. We need someone to come in and tell America that it isn't really using that expensive gym membership which costs an arm and a leg every month - so it goes. We need a mom to decide that maybe America can live with just ONE huge, gas guzzling car and that a second is unnecessary - that money can be used elsewhere. And you could use the exercise. Moms will cut the spending where it will count, and who will argue? Nobody argues with mom once she has laid down the law.

The fact that America thinks it can revert it's budget back to 2006 levels by cutting the already limited arts programs is just plain silly. Mom would not approve. Mom would like her kids to be well rounded, and that can't happen when the arts get taken away in favor of guns. So, America - let's just fill those mini-vans with some smart moms and get that budget balanced the right way. Sure, we won't have premium cable anymore, but you never really needed that in the first place.

The Lloyd Dobler Effect

My expectations of love and romance were born the day I saw my first romantic comedy. I am not talking about a modern day romantic comedy where Jennifer Aniston or Katherine Heigl prance about in $500 shoes pretending that they just can't get a worth while man, while Studley McStud irritates his way into her little heart. (Barf) I am talking about the romantic comedies of the 1930's and 1940's. I am talking about films where women were bright and quick witted, films where men and women seemed to be on the same level. I am talking about films that made men seem just as goofy about love as women. But, they just don't seem to make movies like that anymore and we ladies are paying the price.

I have been of the firm belief that Romantic Comedies have ruined relationships for women for a long time. We grow up on movies where pretty non drug using hookers get saved by millionaires and cute quirky guys like John Cusack and Jason Schwartzman want to take you to cute quirky dinners and drop you off at home without trying to get in your pants. This my dears, is bullshit. I call it the Lloyd Dobler Effect. Please, allow me to elucidate. 

The film "Say Anything" came out when I was at the fragile and impressionable age of fifteen. I was just beginning to notice boys and was anxious to have my heart splattered all over Souther California. Unfortunately for me I was a chubby fifteen year old with braces and a bad perm. No boy was going to break my heart, much less find it past my metal mouth. But then came Lloyd Dobler in "Say Anything". He was goofy. He was unpopular with girls. He was sweet and romantic. He was perfect. And that is exactly when our problems began. We are looking for a guy who doesn't exist. There is no Lloyd Dobler. 

And what if there was? Let's get real here for a second. If some dorkey guy who seemed to be overly obsessed with you kept calling and asking you out, you would not go. If a guy REALLY stood outside your bedroom window blasting "In Your Eyes" you would call the cops. You would wonder why this dude seemed to have zero male friends and the female friends he did have were whiny depressive types who seemed to have a little unrequited love brewing. Is that the guy you really want? Someone who already thinks you are perfect? Someone who doesn't challenge you? Maybe I am getting older, but I really don't want a guy who thinks the word stops and starts with me. I am too old for a drooling puppy. Hell, I was too old for that at eighteen. Llyod Dobler is boring and he is...

a fantasy. And thank god for that. It's one thing to see a "perfect" guy on film, but I don't think it translates very well to real life. You and I both know we are too good for some boring guy who thinks romance is tantamount to screwing in the back of a car. Personally, I would rather have a guy like "Nick Charles" of The Thin Man series popular in the 1930's. Sure, he drank a lot and lazes about, but he does it with panache. And his lady does the same. They challenge each other verbally, and she is every bit as witty and memorable as her husband. They are foils for each other and they have FUN. I remember Lloyd Dobler in "Say Anything", but I have a really hard time remembering anything about the girl... except that she gave him a pen. And who wants to be THAT girl.

Nope. I think I'll stick with being the gal who drinks as hard as the fellas, has a quick wit and can roll with the punches. I'd rather have a Nick Charles - complete with alcohol and belly - than be some perfect guy's unmemorable girlfriend.

Closure

Break-ups are never easy, and this will be no exception. You and I have been together (off and on)  for a long time. We share many memories. But, it is time to say goodbye. I have to be strong this time and let go, so I am telling you now in no uncertain terms that it is over between us. I am not discounting all the good times we have had together, or the times you have been there for me - and there have been many. But the fact of the matter is: You are no good for me. Being with you makes me feel good at the time, but when I wake up the next morning I feel like shit. You cause me to look, smell and feel horrible. And you are expensive. I need to spend my money on things that make me feel good about myself.

My friends and family are sick and tired of my ups and downs with you. One day we are together and the next we are not. I keep coming back to you time and again. You have turned me into a liar. I say we are through, and there you are again Friday night. But not this time. This time I am going to do what is right for me and walk away from you. That means no more hanging out with you in bars, and that means no more late night "one last time" bullshit. It is over.

I'll miss you terribly, and it will be hard to get over you, but it must be done. I want a life  that makes me feel good about myself and you don't do that. You make me hurt. You make me unattractive and you make me dependent. I don't like to be, and refuse to be any of those things. So again, it's over.

This might be the last time we see each other for a while so, I just wanted to say thanks for all the good times, and I'll miss you more than you know. I'll be tempted hang out with you, but if you really love me you'll just leave me alone. We are no good together and you know that. I am just too good for you. So, goodbye cigarettes. Go make out with some dumb 24-year-old who will believe all the lies you tell her cause we are through. "I'll make you look cool", "Baby, I'm what you need right now, I'll make everything alright. Let's get a beer and spend the night together." Bullshit.

Goodbye cigarettes.

And that, my friend is closure.

Regrets

My birthday is in a couple days, and I will be 37 years old. Saying it out loud is a bit of a shock since I don't really feel a day over sixteen most of the time. I say most of the time because some days (and those days usually involve vast amounts of whiskey, karaoke and going to bed at dawn) I wake up feeling like a 80 year old woman who has been kicked in the head by a team of wild donkeys. I am definitely at the age where I can feel a hangover. But to my own credit, I have been there for a while. I really don't feel 37. I don't know what that is supposed to feel like, but I doubt it feels as good as I do most of the time.

But I guess I am not your average 37 year old woman. When you think of a woman in her late thirties I am not the picture that comes to mind. I live alone in a flat the size of a freshman dorm room. I make less money than most 24 year olds. I have no children and my breasts still stand at attention, thank you very much. I don't own an iPhone or a car, and I don't have a mortgage. I am not on a "career track" and money really doesn't mean much to me. When I look at the people I graduated high school with and compare myself I see little in common. And I am okay with that.

A friend of mine recently posted this article on Facebook; "The Secret Regrets of Women in Their Thirties". I was baffled. Either I am living life way better than the rest of the Gen X females, or women are just crazy. One woman said she regretted having what she called a "retaliation affair". Ya think?! At what point did you actually think that was a GOOD idea? Another woman regrets the pain he caused her and now blames him for her selfish behavior and changed personality. A bunch of women regret "staying in it for the kids" - to which I say, a big fat DUH. Have you never watched Oprah or Dr. Phil? We all know that staying together "for the kids" is really being a coward and scaring the kids for life. I know. I was a kid once. But my favorite regret was a woman who regretted not doing "it". And it was LIVING, taking chances and being in the world. She regrets not traveling and living in another country. She regrets the chances she didn't take, and she is only 33. The same age I was on my first Prague Birthday.

I read that article and I smiled. I don't have any regrets. And let me tell you something, I am one gal who could. Do I regret putting myself in massive debt to get a college degree (at age 30) from a school that has now gone bankrupt and no longer exists? No. I don't. Do I regret moving to Mexico and losing said degree that seems I cannot replace? Nope. How about that marriage, regret that? Not at all. I don't regret any of my past because as lame as it sounds, it made me the bad ass chick I am today. I don't blame anyone for the choices I have made, or give them credit either. Good or bad, this life I lead is all mine. I know some people look at me and think, "What a mess! She needs to grow up." Actually people have told me that. But, I am grown up. I have just made different decisions.

I am looking forward to 37 and the surprises it will bring. 36 sucked. I have every chance in the world to do what I want and be who I want. Yesterday,  while in my "Hangover Movie Marathon" I watched the film 127 Hours. (It's about a guy who gets stuck with his arm in a rock for... 127 hours) I think this year when things seem bad I'll remember that guy. I mean, it can always be worse. You might have to saw off your own arm to survive.

NAKED

I have always been open minded about nudity. I don't mind porn, seeing naked people in the movies, or at the gym. I like magazines such as Playboy and I think stripping is fine. One of my favorite photographers (who happens to be Czech) does mostly nudes in very compromising positions. My opinion on such matters is a rare one for two distinct reasons: I am a woman, and I am from America. Women, and American women in particular, seem to have a very big problem with nudity. We find a bare boob or ass offensive - depending on who's ass it actually is. American women seem to find porn degrading to women and then go dress as a Playboy Bunny every Halloween. American women tend to think that there is a right and a wrong way and time to be naked.

I never noticed this hypocrisy until I left the US. And you would notice it right away as well. People don't mind being naked in Europe. There are boobs all over the place in the summer time, and women tend to dress very "unprofessionally" even at corporate office jobs. Men will pee in public and I have seen more than one couple going at it in a park. Now, I am not saying that I would do such things, I am just letting you know that as a culture the Czech people are very tolerant and comfortable with many different types of naked. As a matter of fact "Topless Tuesday" is a big draw here, and I have been more than once. And for the record, I personally am not a naked in public type of gal.

To wit... many moons ago, during what I will refer to as my second adolescence, I applied to be a Suicide Girl. Now, this was long before it was a pay site, and long before they featured ONLY "alternative" models. I didn't have any tattoos or piercing at the time, but I did have a burning desire to be found attractive by a guy who liked that kind of thing. So, I filled out the online form and sent in a (fully clothed) photo of myself. I didn't expect much to happen. In a few weeks I got an email telling me that I was accepted, I could do my shoot in San Francisco and that a photographer would be found for me. It was at this exact moment in my life when I knew I didn't want to be naked in public.

I tried to find some "tame" photos from Saudek.
Look him up for the good stuff

Years later and I am ever so glad that I did NOT do that photo shoot. First, I would have had to make fun of myself everyday til death for being involved with such a transparent and trendy excuse for porn. I might have had to change my name to something like "Sinaminn" or some other horribly misspelled stripper name. I would have to explain to every boyfriend I had since why I did it, and why it's cool that his friends can see me naked. I don't have anything against seeing hot tattooed chicks naked - I just don't need to be one of them. And honestly, not really that difficult to find these days is it?

And I guess that's the point here. In an age when absolutely ANYONE can be naked - professionally or otherwise - why is there still such an uptight attitude in America? I see naked people everyday in the free paper they give you in the Metro. I see more and more A-List celebrities posing for "tasteful nudes" and then splash the pictures all over the place. I blame "family values" for the prudish nature of my homeland. But, I also have faith that we will catch up one day. Heck, not long ago tattoos were considered taboo and only something a sailor would get. Now you can get a free one in the mall right after you pick up you black concert Tee at Hot Topic. Fetish and bondage has made the scene, so naked can't really be that far behind. The human body is nice to look at sometimes, so just do as the Beatles advised and Let It Be.

And I have typed this post totally naked as a sign of solidarity. (wink wink)