Ukulele Cover! By ME!

For those of you not able to share in my amateur ukulele playing, here is a clip of me singing "I don't really love you anymore" by The Magnetic Fields. Enjoy.

Don't Ask - Don't Tell

So, you might be wondering where I have been this past week, why I have not posted a new blog in a few days. And you will continue to wonder because in the spirit of the awesomeness of "Don't ask don't tell" - I'm not going to tell you. Sure, I might have been spending my time fashioning a giant robot monkey that sings Tom Waits songs atop a giant mirrored piano during full moons. I might even have been reenacting the cemetery scene from "Steel Magnolias" in Wenceslas Square every night at nine. Or, I might have been playing "Robot Unicorn Attack" online while waiting for the newest episodes of America's Next Top Model and The Biggest Loser to download.

But you'll never know. Cause I ain't telling. And don't you DARE ask!

Let's look at this from another view point, shall we? Because I don't think anyone is saying that gay folks cannot be great military leaders, or at the very least pull a trigger. Some of the most famous military bad asses in history have been gay. Alexander the Great, Caesar, Hoover, Margarethe Cammermeyer and so on and so forth. Being gay doesn't make you any less able to be a military minded human being. So, let's try looking at this from another angle. Let's say that all people who have a birth mark on their ass are unable to serve in the military for no reason other than that. Sure, that doesn't make sense - but it is the US Military we are talking about. Now, you wouldn't know if someone had a birthmark just by looking, and asking seems wrong so... we decide to just... let it go. But, when we find out that someone has that birthmark, or we even suspect them of having it, we are going to make sure that they get out - and get out quick.


That doesn't seem fair now does it? Because it is not fair. Men and women who have dedicated their lives to protecting other citizens of our country are being told they must lie about who they are on a daily basis. I hope that America has grown up enough to notice how absurd this law is. And, maybe we have. Maybe it is not the gay people we are afraid of, but rather that "Liberal agenda" that some Americans assume goes with every gay issue. Can't we for once just look at this as a HUMAN issue rather than a "liberal" or "conservative" issue? Can't we just look at the people who are signing up for a job that not many of us would do and say, "Thanks! Live and let live."


I don't know. It seems pretty simple to me. But what do I know. 


Okay. I gotta get back to my giant gay robot monkey. Shit! Did I say gay?!

I Do!

konopiste castle

They say that 'everybody loves a wedding...' but I don't know if that is exactly true. I enjoy going to weddings, but it has to be for two people who are really in love - if not I feel like I am participating in a sham, a hoax on love for which I will never be forgiven. I have had many a bride or groom-to be in my classes over the years, but I have yet to attend a wedding in this country. Until today! Two of my good friends, who met here in Prague, are getting married today... in a castle! I have been to more weddings than I can remember, but never to one in an actual castle. And, no - the Disney Castle does not count. But, I think I am most excited to go to a wedding for two people who are so very much in love with each other.

They are both American, but have lived in this country for a while. I think they are going to do some Czech wedding traditions. I just hope the cake at the reception is Medovik. (It's a honey cake that is made in layers of YUM.) In a lot of ways the American and Czech traditions are the same. There is a cake, the "old, new, borrowed, blue" thing for the bride, hurling rice at the happy couple for fertility and so forth. But, then there are some things that are just... very Czech. An example was that a male student of mine was looking forward to his wedding day and the horse collar his buddies would put around his neck. The what now? Yep, that's right - HORSE COLLAR. The groom gets one of these ... kinda like the American version of the ball and chain.

One little difference that my American sisters might be interested in knowing about is the wedding dress. Most brides in this country do not purchase a wedding dress - they rent it. They just don't understand why (and I have to agree with them on this) someone would spend hundreds - if not thousands - of dollars on a dress that they will wear one time. So, they rent. And it is completely acceptable here. I told my classes that the idea of renting is looked down on in the states - whether it be clothes, cars or homes. They just looked at me funny as they tend to do when it comes to the American wastefulness of money.

I think my favorite Czech wedding tradition is the broken plate. At the reception, someone breaks a plate for the happy couple and they must sweep it up together - one holding the dust pan and the other the broom.  This is supposed to symbolize the couples synchronicity and the idea that they will work together in the future. They will also eat the Czech wedding soup together. They will be bound together by means of a huge napkin tied around their necks while they attempt to eat soup from a shared spoon. This is to show how they will work together and be in a real partnership. Aside from the fact that the pictures of this moment are inevitably unflattering, it is a very nice tradition.

No Czech celebration would be complete with out a trip to a pub. This includes weddings. At some point during the reception the bride will be "kidnapped" by friends of the groom - and usually taken to a pub near by. It is then the grooms mission to ask around and find his lady love. If he fails to locate his bride, he must buy her back from his friends. Traditionally, this was to show the separation of the girl and her family. Nowadays it is more symbolic of how watchful a guy needs to be of his woman around his friends. Just kidding.

So, off I go to get dolled up for the wedding. I have fresh batteries for my camera and a packet of tissues already in my purse. And who knows... I might even catch that bouquet.

We the people?

Can someone please explain this to me like I am a four year old? America is a country founded and based on freedom, correct? A rag tag bunch of colonialist fled the confines of Great Britain and crossed the Atlantic so they could practice their faith. Then in 1787, a bunch of white guys way smarter than me put together a list of rules for this new land. The Constitution with its Bill of Rights and other Amendments are supposed to help America and Americans keep their freedoms. So again, I ask you, can you please explain this to me like I am a four year old? What the hell is going on in America right now?!

I just finished watching the HBO Film about Dr. Kevorkian. (starring Al Pachino redeeming himself as an actor, finally) The entire time I was watching it, one thought kept running through my head: Damn. I am so glad I am not Catholic. I DO NOT understand, and I will NEVER understand, why one persons personal decisions have any bearing at all on someone else. If someone is dying and decides that they want to end their life - why should you care? And why should your reason be GOD? Why, if two gay people want to get married, is it any of your dammed business? And why is your reason for stopping them GOD? And why oh why, if a woman wants to terminate her own pregnancy in her OWN body is it any of your damn business? And why is your reason for telling her she can't GOD?

For a country founded on the idea of freedom, we certainly do not tolerate it or grant it to just anyone. It seems in America you have the freedom to be a Christian. If you do not choose to exercise your right to be a christian, we will limit your other freedoms on grounds of fear. We will also use Christianity as an excuse to tell all Americans how to live. Sure, you can chose your religion - be it Muslim, Buddhist or Jew - but be warned, if you chose a religion other than christian we will use it against you. The christian god will be used to back any cause we see fit.

The Catholic church can abuse people, children and power all they want, but two men cannot marry each other? Does this make any fucking sense to anyone?

My frustration over this type of American attitude is growing into anger. How dare anyone shout Bible verses at someone for any reason. How dare someone tell another person that THEIR god hates them. It is against everything that America REALLY stands for. We are supposed to be a nation that accepts people from everywhere. We are supposed to be a melting pot of nations, colors and ideas. But right here in 2010, I just don't see it. I am an embarrassed American when I see that my gay friends cannot get married. I am an embarrassed American when I hear people say "Go back where you came from! Build a fence!". I am an embarrassed American when I see that women across country are being told they cannot have abortions because of someone else's idea of god.

I want America to be what it promises - a place of freedom. That means building a mosque near the ground zero site in New York. That means not hating Muslims, or gays, or anyone else who's religion or personal appearance happens to offend your delicate sensibilities. Let's show the world that we are indeed a generous, accepting people - no matter what Sarah Palin says.

Fall Nostalgia

Fall is my favorite time of year in Prague. The air starts getting a little bit cooler, the leaves start dressing with a little more fire and flair, and I get to start using my heater to dry clothes again. Fall is the time that I start the "Jacket Evolution" which begins with a hoodie, and then over the course of the long winter, ends with a full length, weather proof and very warm coat. I should note that not all ladies in this fair city participate in the Jacket Evolution. Prague is the one city where it can be freezing (literally) cold outside and you will see women walking around in mini skirts and heels. Better you than me honey.

Fall here is way better than the faux Fall of Southern California. In L.A. fall consists of mild temperatures (about 70 degrees) and department stores decorating their display tables with lots of oranges, browns, and yellows. It's not California's fault, and until I moved to Europe I really didn't know what I was missing. It's a grass is always greener deal, I think. When I talk to the parents at my pre-school, the first thing they want to know is why in the world I would want to move from California to live in Prague. "California is sunny and you have the beach!" they always say. Well, I got news for you. I rarely - if ever - went to the beach in Los Angeles. I can't even recall the last time I went to a beach in L.A. I went often in Mexico, and once or twice to a bon fire in San Francisco, but I must have been a teenager the last time I saw waves in sunny Los Angeles. I guess it comes down to me not being a "beach" person. If we were playing one of those games where you have to choose either BEACH or MOUNTAINS - and you can't say both - then I would say mountains. The mountains don't leave a salty film on me.

So, Prague is kind of the best of both worlds for me. Sure it's landlocked, but I honestly don't mind. I like the cold weather here and seeing the change of seasons. I like having a reason other than fashion to wear a coat. I like starting a fire in the fire place out of necessity for warmth. I came to this country in fall about four years ago, so maybe its just as simple as that. It reminds me of a time when I found my home.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I think I have always had a deep rooted desire to be like one of those cool eccentrics you see in film. Someone who lives life just a little outside the lines. Someone who paints wild pictures, or has hobbies like making macaroni art or fashioning clothes out of found hats. Not some pseudo eccentric like "Juno", but someone truly odd. People like you see in John Waters movies. Someone like Annie Potts "Iona" in Pretty In Pink. Come to think of it, after seeing that movie as an impressionable youth, I hung records from my ceiling. I even sacrificed my favorite single (David Bowie's "Blue Jean") because the record was actually BLUE. And it looked mighty cool hanging there, if I do say so myself. I think I wanted to be a mix of Little Edie, Maude from Harold and Maude, Holly Golightly, Clementine from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Cher in... um... maybe just Cher, and of course Gene Wilder's Willy Wonka. And Amelie. I identified with Amelie because I too enjoy the sound of a spoon on a creme brulee and I have always had a thing for garden gnomes. After seeing Amelie I went directly to Super Cuts and got my hair cut like hers.

But there was always something a little dark and morose about ll of these characters. I'm not talking an average dark side here folks, I am talking some serious mental disorders. If most of these characters were real people, they would be classified as insane. (Sorry Little Edie. I love ya, but the truth is the truth) So what does that say about me? I hope not a whole hell of a lot. I have been told that I am a little crazy before, and that I am quirky - but I don't think I fit the bill for a manic depressive prostitute whose best friend is a nameless cat. I just like the romance of it all.

Me as Little Edie

So I started looking at myself as if i were a character in a movie. A movie that was directed by the Coen Brothers, PT Anderson or Quentin Tarantino. Anyway, when looking at myself from the outside I think I might understand the crazy comments. Maybe. Its hard to look at yourself through someone else's lenses. I have been with me my whole life, so I don't find myself odd. At all. Until someone points out something. Something like - I had a shrine to Bruce Willis in my bedroom. I used a friends camcorder to make Gothic horror movies, and "dubbed" Kung Fu movies in my back yard. Maybe these things are not really strange and I am just a little shy about disclosing the real oddities of my personality. Who knows.

I guess in my own little way I am eccentric - or crazy - as some people like to say. But really, who isn't? I am a little opinionated and I say what I think. I don't care what people say about me. (Unless I respect them, which leave a small handful of people). I talk to myself and I sing when I feel like singing. I live Prague because I feel comfortable here. I eat popcorn for dinner and I talk to my stuffed dog. I dance in the rain and I sing in the shower.

As Popeye said... Iyam what Iyam.

And so are you.

Party Girl

Last night I did something I rarely do anymore. I went to a house party. It's not like I avoid parties, I have just grown a little tired of them. I am usually the oldest one there which means that I have been to more of these than I care to remember. It's always the same: folks sitting around trying to be just a little more witty than the last guy and drinking huge amounts of alcohol. Sometimes its fun and sometimes I wish I had stayed home and read. It all depends on the people. And just for the record, last nights party was fun. I laughed a lot, didn't drink too much, and I saw the girl that I find more entertaining than bottle of Jameson's and a microphone.

A little back story: This girl would be a level 4 or 5 in my social circle. For those of you who don't know what that means, a level 1 would be in inner sanctum - my closest friends - and you work outward from there. So, basically I don't know this girl at all. I don't even know her name. She is a friend of a friend of a friend and I have been running into her a lot lately. Which is easy to do in a tiny little city like Prague. Anyway... She is far and away the most slutty dresser I have ever seen. AND... AND... she gets wasted! This is a glorious recipe for hours of entertainment. Am I being catty? Hell yes. But I really don't care.

And here is why. I myself have always dressed on the more provocative side. I like short little skirts and I occasionally show off my chest. But, nine out of ten times you'll find me in jeans and a T-shirt. I can still rock and be comfortable. I don't have a problem with women who dress sexy. Go for it. Heck, last night I wore a top that showed a little cleavage! I was actually getting a little self conscious about it when I looked up and noticed that She was there. All of the sudden my little bit of cleavage didn't seem like all that much. Why you ask? Well, let's put it this way. For the second time this week, I unintentionally know what color of underwear this girl was wearing. At least this time I didn't find out while she was invisible pole dancing on top of a table. Nope. This time she just sat on the floor in her little black dress and her knees in a very immodest position.

Is there a difference between sexy and slutty? I think so, but I would be hard pressed to define it for you. I think a lot of it has to do with attitude and confidence. You could put two girls in the same outfit and I bet one of them would seem sexier or more slutty than the other. And there is nothing wrong with dressing slutty if that's the way you want to go. Get out those stiletto boots and your leather pants and work that corner! But when you combine a slutty outfit with too much booze and an overly flirtatious attitude you are in danger of being mistaken for a nineteen year old on her first bender. Which is kind of what I think of every time I see this girl. The word "WOW" pops into my head and I just can't look away. It's a little bit like looking at Brittney or Lindsay in the news - you don't really care or want to know, but you can't stop looking.

So, to you slutty girl who keeps getting drunk and molesting party goers, who dances "erotically" upon table tops, who wears skirts that are about eight inches long, to YOU I say, "Thank you!" Thank you for making us all happy time and time again with your fashion sense. Oh, and a word to the wise - when you bend over, every one can see your um, business.

But, you knew that already, didn't you?