Living in America - Part Five: There's No Place Like Home

One thirty-six year old woman travels 6000 miles, seemingly back in time, to revisit family, friends and where she used to live.

You know, if you phrase anything like it is a stupid reality show it sounds entertaining. It just goes to show how much Wife Swap I have actually watched.  The fact of the matter is that is was entertaining. If it was happening to someone else. I won't say that I didn't have fun, because I did. I got to hang out with my best friend and see her awesome gaggle of little girls. I got to see friends that I don't see very often, and that I am sure I would not see if I didn't come to California. I got to go shopping, see my family, go to the Getty, go swimming, eat Mexican food, see some movies and watch way too much television.

I also had to put my cat to sleep. I had a sinus infection. I broke my foot. I was couch bound for three days. And...

I am homesick. This trip has made me realize how much I like my imperfect, strange, sometimes head-against-the-wall- difficult life in Prague. Sure my flat is TINY, but its mine. And, I think that I will move to a bigger space soon. I get to work four days a week with the most awesome little kids who only drive me crazy some of the time. I am poor, but I am getting a raise that will kick in next month. I am in love, and I live in Europe. Not too bad.

The perspective I have gained during my Reality Show vacation is invaluable. I was shocked into living a more healthy and active life when I get home after stepping on a scale for the first time in a few years. I had dabbled in working out, but for one reason or another I always had to stop. Well, the scale that read 30 pounds over what it should, confirmed what my sweet man had been trying to tell me: I need to loose weight. So? Done. I hear ya.

I also realized that I am so happy that I have not had T.V. for over six years. The television that I watch in Prague is on my computer and is far more limited than I even thought. I had NO idea how many shows were out there. There are literally hundreds of shows that I had never even heard of! Whew! I am just glad that the five or six shows that I watch are all. If I still lived here, I might well be a couch potato.

Everyone always asks me why I have stayed so long, and I guess the answer is this: I like it there. Yes, it is a pain in the ass sometimes. The Visa hassles alone are mind boggling - but totally worth it. If I hadn't done it the right way, then I wouldn't get the privilege of my cool life. And it is cool. I like my life. I don't have to drive. I get to hang out with my friends and sing karaoke every week. I couldn't live in a more beautiful city. I have an amazing guy who puts up with my quirks and annoying habits. I'm pretty happy.

So, Farewell Los Angeles, until next time. Whenever that may be...

Living in America - Part Four: That's Entertainment

Since landing in California last week, I have managed to see three movies in the theaters. Those of you who know me know that seeing movies is one of the great joys of my life. I have seen Cyrus, Knight and Day, and Despicable Me. All of these movies were worth seeing in totally different ways. "Cyrus" was the quirky, touching, darkly humorous Indi movie. "Knight and Day" was the summer blockbuster, and "Despicable Me" was sweet, funny and totally enjoyable. I left that film wanting a fluffy unicorn and a freeze ray.

There is not much difference between seeing movies here versus Prague. Both have succumb to having an endless barrage of T.V. commercials prior to the previews.Yuck. Both countries sell goodies for you to munch on and both have big multiplexes. The differences are in the details. For example, in Prague you can get a large popcorn in either "Butter" or "Ham and Cheese" flavor. Here, you get to douse your own popcorn in as much "Butter Flavoring" as you like. The sizes are different as well. A large in Prague is HUGE - and it amounts to a medium here. The Czechs also don't offer a full fast food menu in the theater. I was shocked to see that at the AMC I could get a pizza, nachos, and I am pretty sure wings were an option as well. And in Prague almost every theater has "reserved seating" which most Czechs adhere to strictly. Honestly, I have been in an almost empty theater and have been asked to move.

Then there is the ever entertaining land of T.V. Since I had three days laid up because of my foot, I was granted the opportunity to watch more television than I have in years. I watched 90210 reruns, Wife Swap, Regis and Kelly, The View, about six Lifetime Movies and countless other crappy shows. I learned that I still like 90210, I want to kill Elisabeth Hasselbeck and I hate commercials. Nothing ventured, nothing gained indeed.

I also took a trip to The Getty Center in L.A. with my mom, Jenn and three of her girls. It was an amazing space and the gardens were beautiful. Unlike Prague, L.A. actually has some good museums with actual art in them that is worth seeing. Prague's pitiful National Museum must be the laughing stock of all other museums everywhere. This is a museum that holds an entire floor of taxidermy and genuine REPLICAS of ancient artifacts. I get more joy looking at the artwork my preschoolers make. At least that is authentic. 

By far, the most entertaining thing I have done here was have an impromptu dinner with my friend Rebecca, her husband and her mom and mom's hubby. We chatted about books, politics, wine, food, Europe, travel and female circumcision. Don't even ask about that last one. Seriously, it resulted in my very pregnant friend (pregnant with twins, by the way - third trimester - a boy and a girl. I secretly hope she names them Brenda and Brandon.) Jumping up from the table and screaming that she was leaving. She might have yelled more, but I was laughing too much to notice. I honestly haven't had that much fun since I have gotten here.

Living in America - Part Three: Creature Comforts

And I thought LiLo was having a bad week. In 7 days here I have gotten a sinus infection, a broken foot (or cracked bone in said foot.) and allergies. I am on pain killers, Z Pack and Clairatin. And, I am having a little trouble walking. Limping is more like it. It seems during a swimming marathon - about 7 hours straight diving and swimming - I somehow landed wrong and, well. now I am not fairing so well.

Luckily I am in America - land of plenty. Plenty of everything. Plenty of television channels with not much to watch. Plenty of food to eat, and then plenty of pills to take when you get that indigestion. (And please note, that I have yet to be able to finish an entire meal at one sitting. This includes the "Famous" Lucky Boy Breakfast Burrito, Shrimp Tacos and other Mexican yumminess.) I walked into a garage that had a second refrigerator full of even more food and drink. The garage also had so much stuff in it the owners hadn't used half of it in over ten years. Are two refrigerators necessary? How about television in every room?

I have been living in a country where they do not use driers because it uses too much electricity and now I am in a country where people buy two appliances because they can.  Americans live a very comfortable life. And i used to think that I needed all of it. But, after years of living in Europe I have not only gotten used to living with less - I like it better. I like hanging my clothes to dry. I like not driving and buying gas. I like the fact that I am as green as I can be. Sure there are things that I miss - like GOOD Mexican food, or cheap tennis shoes - but I am more than willing to overlook these things for a more relaxed and chill lifestyle.

For example. When I go shopping in Prague I am left alone. Completely alone. Nobody asks if I need help, or how I am doing, or greets me with a perma-grin at the door. At first, this was off putting, but I have not only gotten used to it. I now prefer it. I went to Victoria's Secret yesterday for the sole purpose of buying a bra, something that I have been doing without assistance since I was about thirteen. Well in America, and I gather epically in Victoria's Secret, this is a task I am unable to preform by myself. I could not just look around and find something. I had to be asked a litany of questions by sales associate Ashley. What was I looking for? What kind of coverage do I need? I am looking for comfort or something more? What size do I think I wear? I tried to dodge all of these questions, but it seemed if i wanted a bra from this store i had to have a slip of paper upon entering the dressing room at which point a "Bra Specialist" would help me. The "Bra Specialist" pulled every bra available within the specific confines of Ashley's sheet. I tried on three - they fit - and I left. I tried to go pull the bras I wanted from the floor, but Ashley cut me off and demanded to help me yet again. A half hour later I was being rung up, and I won't tell you about the ordeal there.

How many of these "Creature Comforts" do we really need? Do we need a free refill on a 32oz soda? Do I need that much assistance when purchasing underwear? No I don't. And either do you. You have just been convinced that all of these "added services" actually make your life more convenient. Having a snack food in an easy to open "convenient" size is just ridiculous. Snacks are already small and convenient - thus them being snacks. Has the American culture gotten so far removed from reality that they actually think they need two fridges and professional assistance when buying our own clothes?

I hope not. I really really do.

Now, to eat that left over shrimp taco.

Living in America - Part Two: A Culture of Confusion

I have been here five days and I am already keenly aware that I am fat. For every second that I am awake, I am reminded of everything that is wrong with my body. In Prague I knew I was overweight. The difference is, at home I never felt BAD about it. On T.V. I saw a commercial for a device that you strap to your waist as you work out to "increase calorie burn". I saw Sarah Jessica Parker selling a moisturiser that will make you look "up to five years younger". I saw one of my idols (the adorable Ms. Dolly Parton) on Oprah talking about liposuction, botox and being true to yourself. She and Kenny Rogers looked like wax figurines of themselves. I was fascinated by Dolly's mouth and the fact that it didn't seem to move.

I find it hard to believe that anyone can really buy all of this fantastic bullshit that America is selling. The ONLY thing that burns calories is exercise. Period. A cream will not make you look like SJP and it won't make you look five years younger. (And how did they come up with that number anyway?) You want to look younger? Don't drink, don't smoke, drink lot's of water and stay out of the sun. A thinking person with half a brain knows these things. And seeing a 64 year old woman as beautiful as Dolly so obsessed with youth and beauty and being thin just breaks my heart.

So when i stepped on a scale for the first time in two years I was shocked. Then, that shock turned to shame and disappointment. Being here has left me feeling confused and fat. These are two feelings that I don't get much back at home in Prague On the one hand, America is being sold a very thin image of youth and beauty. There are SO many products, books, DVDs, websites available to help you achieve this. But at the same time Americans are be sold a totally unhealthy lifestyle that makes the first dream all but impossible. How can I be "Bikini Ready in 4 Weeks" if I go to the Olive Garden and partake of their cheese laden, endless bread stick having land of fatty foods? How can I lose weight when all of the food I am told to eat is processed and covered in cheese? Basically Americans are told, "Go ahead - eat that stuffed crust pizza and have that beer. Then, hunker down and watch some MUST SEE TV. Then just take this pill and you can look like a skinny 24 year old."

I am truly  shocked at Americas need for consumerism and capitalism. This has led Americans to become fat sheep, and in just 5 days here I felt the pressure. My cute little figure that I was gently working on back home suddenly feels in desperate need of remodeling. I knew I needed to drop a few pounds, but I didn't feel BAD about it. Between the magazines, the T.V. and the high fat/high calorie foods - I am at a loss. I feel sad and guilty. The guilt follows me everywhere. It screamed at me at the 4th of July BBQ when I picked up the Texas Sheet Cake and ice cream. It laughed at me in the dressing room when I tried on a number of bikinis. The guilt whispered in my ear how ashamed it was of me when I ate the most fabulous Enchiladas Mole.

So, as my best friend told me - I have two choices. I can either be happy about the way I look or I can do something about it. So, I am going to do something about it. I am just glad that I get to do something about it back in Prague where the pressure to be thin and beautiful isn't constantly in m y face. I can do it by eating healthy foods and getting off of my ample ass and exercising. Which I will. And honestly, I don't know that I could do that in this country. The mixed messages, high fat foods and sedentary lifestyle might just get the better of me.

Living in America - Part One

I knew I was in America the second I stepped off of the plane at JFK. I was quickly ushered into a line for passport security. There was no question as to where I was supposed to go - "All citizens to the left! All citizens to the left! Thank you". From there the line moved swiftly, with another worker reminding us not to leave any gaps in the line, and intermittently saying "welcome home".  This was a stark contrast to the Czech way of milling around like a herd of cattle and just waiting. Waiting for a number. Waiting for the Albert worker to come back from wherever she went while defending yourself against the incoming tide of old Czech women. Lining up at 4a.m. at the foreign police - which doesn't open til 7a.m. - only in hopes of getting a number and then waiting some more. The idea of "making an appointment" has not quite caught on the the Czech Republic. Yes. I was back in America.

Once upstairs and in yet another security line, I was reminded again of where I was. A woman walked up to the lady checking the boarding passes and handed over her pass. She was met with a "welcome to New York" attitude. (Please read the following conversation with the voice of Mo'Nique in mind)

- "Excuse me! Please go to the back of the line!"
-"The lady told me.."
-"The lady told you to get in front of all of these people? I don't think so. Get to the back of the line."
-"But.."
-"But what? You ain't special. Now git! Damn..."

Ahh yes. I was definitely back in the land of the free and the home of the brave. (Not applicable to airports.) Now all I had to do was wait another nine hours before boarding yet another plane to get me to California. What does one do in an airport for nine hours? Well, I read magazines, books and looked in stores. I watched six consecutive people try to use a "print your own itinerary" machine that was out of paper. All six of these people thought that repeating the process would make it work. Nope. I ate Burger King and counted fat people. And, on my last hour I ran into an old friend from Prague! My friend Roni was visiting New York and our paths just happened to cross. Divine intervention.

My flight from NY to L.A. was uncomfortable. We sat on the tarmac  for an hour and all I wanted to do was sleep - in a bed. And I was seated next to a young uber gay. He "twittered" and "facebooked" the entire flight. His status updates included but were not limited to "Get me off of this plane or I'm going to freak!" and "OMG! I hate flying!". He ended up being a nice young man - or he will be once he gets over himself. But, I guess that's true for most of us.

I landed in L.A. at 1a.m. and for the first time had no traffic going back to Pasadena. I slept in my little twin bed with my all American mattress. God bless America.