The Mullet Stops Here.

Of all the pejorative terms out there, I think the most accurate and well deserved is "White Trash". It has gotten kind of a glamorous face lift in the past few years, what with TV shows like "My Name is Earl" and the rise of the "Dumb Blonde" as a visual ideal for women. Chicks are now considered "cool" if they drink PBR from the can while sporting a cowboy hat, a 14 carat gold lightening bolt necklace and tell tale roots. But these are just the mere trappings of "white trash" that the rest of America has taken under its gentrified wing and claimed as its own.

Real white trash doesn't really shine quite as bright, does it? Under those shiny, over-sized hoop earrings lies plain old aluminum. The kind of stuff that makes your earlobes turn green. Real White Trash has a bad hair do and smells of stink, not Sixth Avenue. It's the type of person who may or may not have a missing tooth and may or may not have finished high school. Real white trash hangs out in front of the Wal-Mart and harasses passers by. Case in point: A friend of mine recently shared with me that her 17 year old son was trying to find a book for school, and as a last resort went to Wal-Mart. (Said friend hates Wal-Mart as much as I hate Starbucks.)While perusing what must be the amazing selection of books at Wal-Mart (and not finding the best selling "Outliers" by Malcolm Gladwell) my friends son was given a verbal drive by from a random guy. "Cut your hair, you fucking Hippie!". You'd think after all this time, assholes would come up with something new - but you'd be wrong. At any rate, this long haired 17 year old left the store empty handed, and a little annoyed.

But that is not the end (or the point) of this story. When he got out to the parking lot, the jerk was sitting in the bed of his flatbed with a white trash friend ... waiting. These are two grown men hanging out at a Wal-Mart at 4pm on a week day, just waiting to harass. These two upstanding citizens proceeded to call this kid a "fucking fag" and then threatened to beat his ass. Why? Because they didn't like his hair. Hell, I wasn't there, but I have a feeling that this is a case of the Mullet calling the kettle black. I'm just sayin'.

"These Type" of people are not limited to America. Just the other day I was told of a few Czech assholes who were getting their jolly's from harassing the owners (and kid!) of a local Vietnamese market.

How are people like this getting away with their behavior? I don't know, but I know that they are. Everyday, someplace in the world, some white trash dick heads are perpetuating a stereo-type. Right now in Tujunga, CA some jerk is listening to White Snake just a little too loud in his truck cab, as he gets out and HOOTS at a woman leaving the 7-Eleven. And no one bothers to say a word.

We can't let this continue, dear readers. Sure - it's fun to have "White Trash" theme parties, eat cheese in aerosol form on a Triscuit, and wear white Pleather boots with fringe now and then. But let's let it end there. If you see someone being mean - say something! Here in the CZ, people are more likely to stop and help a dog than they are a person. Being disrespectful and rude is not one of the cute, funny things we should want to emulate from white trash culture.

Let's just take the food, fashion mistakes and the music and call it even.

These Aren't the Droids You're Looking For...

I have always loved Star Wars. I saw the first one at the Chinese Theater in Hollywood when I was just a tiny thing, but I remember it. Watching Princess Leia and Luke swing across the vast cavern of the Death Star left one big impression. I had Star Wars figures, R2D2 Underoo's, I ate C3P0's Breakfast cereal and I had a Chewbaca necklace. I was a fan. Still am. I can still make a pretty good Light Saber noise.

It came down to the good guys (the Jedi) and the bad guys (um, everyone else - ex Jedi). The Jedi follow a doctrine and discipline regime that pretty much make them feel morally and well, overall superior to other folks in the Galaxy. Next time you watch Empire Strikes Back - listen to the way Luke, Yoda and the rest of the Jedi talk. You kinda want smack the smirk off 'em. I get why the Emperor gets so pissed. But you know the deal - the Jedi use the force for good and save the galaxy.

Enter the Jedi Church. Yep, you heard me - The JEDI CHURCH. Some 23 year old, uber dork in the UK actually went as far as to make a bonafide Religion out of it. I like Star Wars and all, but I think that this is taking your dork flag and waving it just a little too proudly. The Jedi faith now boasts 500,000 dorks - sorry, members. And now, like every other bonafide religion, they are screaming "INTOLERANCE".

This story basically says that the Jedi Church founder (of course it was the founder. Nice way to get some press!) Daniel Jones went into a Tesco store in full Jedi regalia and was asked to remove his hood. He said, it is against my religion. Tesco told the young Jedi that, Obi Wan, Yoda and others appeared in public without hoods and never crossed over to the dark side. Way to go Tesco. And, I am sorry, but there are TONS of examples where Jedi go hoodless. Most female Jedi are never seen wearing a hood. And, I have to wonder if these reported 500,000 worldwide members really adhere to that rule. I have yet to see a Jedi roaming the streets.

A store has a right to ask people not to wear a hood. It is really easy to steal with one of those on, and security can't see who is underneath said hood. Makes sense. What doesn't make sense is why the church founder, all of the sudden, is facing so called discrimination. I read through the Jedi website...and it costs money to join. Well, to get your name printed on a certificate making you and official dork - shit, sorry - Jedi. $20 Bucks and you too can holler discrimination.

I guess if it were me, and I was a real Jedi, I would have just done the old Jedi mind trick on the Tesco employee and have been done with it. But, then I wouldn't be in the news now would I.

And the Douche Bag Award goes toooooo...

By now everyone has heard that Kanye West took his ego for a walk again recently. This time it was across little miss Taylor Swift's MTV - Video Music Awards acceptance speech. I have said it before and I'll say it again: I think Kanye West is a douche bag. I am not talking about his "music" here, I am talking about HIM - as a human being. This is not the first time the dude has let his mouth get him into trouble. He has raised a ruckus at the VMA's, the Grammy's and I believe he made some disturbing comments about former President Bush. Now, whether or not you agree with him is up to you, but the fact remains his actions are rude and disrespectful. And public.

When you - Joe or Jane Normal - decide to make a rude comment, or act disrespectfully, you know you will have consequences. And if you act rude in PUBLIC - say, tell off a waiter in a fancy restaurant - you might have even harsher consequences to deal with. That is the way the world works. As a society we have certain expectations: Be polite. Be nice. Signal when changing lanes. Don't give your opinion unless asked. But it seems certain celebrities think these rules do not apply to them. Kanye is one of them. He seems to have surpassed "Big Ego" and ventured into the realm of "Bully". My guess is that the only folks that were not offended by his outburst this time was the mega marketing machine known as MTV. (And subsequently Comedy Central and VH1 - all owned by Viacom) They will be able to get more tweens watching every time it is replayed, as well as get tons of millage out of the hilarious "Fish Dicks" episode that pokes fun at Kanye's ego.

Now Kanye seems to be repenting (on T.V.) and wants to take time to reflect. I have to wonder if he would feel the same way if he hadn't had gotten booed off the stage. My guess is not. And I bet we won't be hearing the last from his ego either. What's the old adage? There is no such thing as bad press... And the fact that I sit here writing about it when I should be mourning Patrick Swayze just proves it.

Prague Blog!: You make clay sexy

Prague Blog!: You make clay sexy

Pretty Baby

Long before T.V became the glossy, million channeled marketing device that it is today - I loved it. Television was simple. Cartoons didn't have a network, they had Saturday mornings. Television movies were an event (i.e. Thornbirds) and having a favorite show meant waiting all week for a new episode and actually watching it when it aired - commercials and all. As for me, I wouldn't miss an episode of Dynasty, and I loved to watch the Miss America Pageant. Each year my family would gather together with bowls of popcorn and rootbeer floats to watch 52 pretty women parade, sing, dance, twirl, and give speeches all in hopes of winning a really big shiny tiara. It was fabulous. And not just because I had a knack for picking the winner. I really just liked watching pretty girls in big fancy dresses. I still do.

It seemed that Miss South Carolina or Miss Texas or some other southern state would always win. The bigger the hair and the more make-up you slathered on, the better your chances of winning. (I think women in Texas must look at everyday life as The Miss America Pageant because the amount of hairspray and Maybellene usage in that state baffles me.) Sure she had to have poise and grace. She had to be able to keep smiling while walking down stairs in a bathing suit, high heels and a sash while Regis Philbin sang at her. That can't be easy. She also had to have a platform. If memory serves, all of the contestants had the same platform - education, community involvement, or helping "special" children. It always seemed that they had a little brother or sister with some issue or another and they wanted to use their face and bikini ready figure to call much needed attention to it. She'd get all misty eyed as she would say, "My little brother Timmy had cerebral palsey and as Miss America, I will help raise awareness and money to help him and other amazing, brave kids like him..." Yeah. Sure honey. It has nothing to do with the millions of dollars in scholarships or the television appearances.

And that's fine. Really. I have absolutely NO problem with 20-something women trying to make their way in the world. And I don't want to hear that it's all about their face and figure. We don't sit around chastising young women who want to become actresses, do we? That is an industry based fully (these days) on your appearance. So, I want to give these women a break. They are all educated, grown women.

Unlike a six year old.

A few days ago I watched this documentary called "Baby Beauty Queens" about the Little Miss UK contest. I was shocked. And not at the little girls. I was shocked at the mothers. One mom gave her SEVEN YEAR OLD child plastic surgery. One mother said that the lord gives us all talents, and her daughter's talent is being pretty. Since when is your face a talent?

I liked to play dress-up and put on make-up when I was little. I think most little girls do. Mom would give us old clothes, or some sequined dresses bought at a yard sale, and we would put them on and play grown up lady at a party. It was harmless fun. There was never EVER an emphisis on being pretty. I never recall my mom ever telling me that the most important thing was my looks, or my hair or anything like that. And, I never recall it being forced on me. I never had to practice dress up or make-up. I never competed against other little girls for money I would never see.

This is what I don't understand. We are raising a generation of girls who are told being pretty and liked is the most important thing - and then we get angry at them for seeking out attention. As a parent (if I were one, and if I ever become a mom please hold me to it) I would think we would know better. Isn't it time we stop telling little girls lies like "Your hair is your crowning glory" or "Boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses". Hair is just hair. It grows back. And there are about a million websites dedicated to "sexy" librarians in glasses. My point is - let's leave the looks at the door. Maybe start telling little Susie how smart she is, rather than how pretty. Maybe we could make room for flaws. What is a seven year old girl supposed to think about herself when her mother tells her she is ugly?

Sure, we will always judge people on their looks - it's human nature. But maybe, just maybe we can learn not to judge ourselves on our looks. There is that saying - It takes a village to raise a child. I gotta say, if my child is raised in a village that makes her face more important than her brain - we are SO moving!

I'm So Over Weight

Recently I have been taking stock of my 35 year old, "not size 0" body. I stand in front of the mirror, suck in the tummy and peruse the yardage. My boobs are still amazing looking, my ass is alright - and hell - my fella seems to like it so I won't complain, and I have a little tummy that seems to shrink and expand according to the whim of the gods. But, all in all I think I look aright. And that is a pretty big deal. It sucks that it is a big deal, but that is the way the low fat cookie crumbles these days.

Like most women, I have not always been happy with my figure. I have struggled with my weight and I developed some "issues" along the way. I attempted to become anorexic, but realized that I liked eating to much and decided to go with Bulimia instead. For me, puking was a WAY better option than skipping meals. I learned the ins and outs of eating disorders by watching made for TV movies like "Kate's Secret", "When Friendship Kills" - which my friends and I just call "Lexi Anorexi", and "For The Love of Nancy" - starring Tracey Gold who was really anorexic, so it gave the movie authenticity. At any rate, I picked up some good tricks on how to hide food, vomit quietly and pretend that water with lemon is a Big Mac. I also learned that Meredith Baxter Birney is absolutely frightening when she is binge eating. If creepy wind chimes start playing when you open a bag of cookies - you are in trouble. (Watch this clip. Get to about 5 minutes and WATCH OUT! It is AMAZING. It makes you wonder if all bulimics lose their table manners, or if is a gradual thing that comes with hunger.)I also learned that smoking will suppress your appetite. What they don't tell you is that while smoking helps you curb that demon hunger - it will also make you look like Hume Cronyn by the time you are 40.

By the time High School was over, I had finished my eating disorder phase. I was pretty skinny and pretty happy. Now, flash forward to 2000 and say hello to the whale formerly known as Alicia. I know, I hate when skinny girls say they are fat too - but I was. I am 4'11 and I weighed 150 pounds. That ain't little. That's fat. Put it this way - I was told that I looked like a walrus had eaten me and just left my head. F-A-T fat. But no one called me fat. My boyfriend never said a word. And I wish someone had said something.

There has been a slow and steady "pro Fat" movement going on in the states, and I for one do not like it. Now, I know some of you are going to get your knickers in a bunch here, but hear me out.

Being overweight is unhealthy and just plain unseemly. I'm not talking about a little pooch or ten extra pounds. I am talking about being fat. I am talking about the kind of fat where you look like a sausage in your sweat pants. This is a bad thing. I think these "Fat Acceptance" groups, and "Big is Beautiful" web pages are hurting more than helping. When I was fat, I wish someone had said to me, "Hey Alicia. Um, you might wanna lay off the tacos and cheeseburgers for a while because you are really big. Why don't you just grow a mullet and swear off men forever."

I think the "body acceptance" pendulum has swung a little to far the other way now. I mean sure, not everyone can be a size 0. I have accepted that I will never be as thin as Sarah Michelle Gellar, and I am now alright with that. I get to have big boobs and an ass instead. But do we need to say it's alright to be fat? Have we women become so insecure that we can't take a little criticism?

Men seem to have found a nice balance - well, most men. I think men worry about their appearance as much as we do, but the difference is - they don't let it rule their lives. Men don't fixate on that the way we do. And you can blame the media all you want, but you rarely hear a guy complaining how he doesn't look like Brad Pitt and start to cry. Men don't stage protest in front of magazines because the magazine had the audacity to put a model on the cover who is in good shape. Guys who are overweight just seem to shrug it off, or get that beer belly to the gym. They don't seem to have a shit load of psychological issues about it.

And I think that is where we need to be ladies. Sure it's great that magazines are putting models in their glossy pages that have a belly, but I don't think that it is the answer. We need to be able to be honest with ourselves and the world around us.

So next time someone says, "Hey, you're fat!" Just say thanks. It's nice that someone loves you enough to be honest.

An Open Letter to President Obama

Dear Mr. President,

Hey! This is my first letter to you – I wrote your predecessor a few times, but he didn’t listen very well. Anyway, I am really happy that you are getting’ it done up there in the Ol’ White House. And, that’s kinda why I am writing. See, I keep reading articles that say public opinion of you has dropped, or that folks are not supporting you anymore. And I just wanted to let you know – you still got me.

One thing you need to realize about Americans is that we are fickle. Make that two things – we are fickle and we have very short memories. Take for example the US of A’s Love/Hate relationship with one Miss Britney Spears. (I know she is not of National Importance, but go with me here on this one.) When Brit Brit first broke on to the scene – we loved her. She was saucy, sexy and young – pretty much the USA recipe for “wooo!” Then, all of the sudden we decided that we hated her. She was a liar, a tramp, untalented…the list goes on. Then we decided that it was not her fault and we took pity on her and decided to give her another chance if she lost some weight and made another album. Britney did her part, and what did we do? We stabbed her in the back, this time because she didn’t wear shoes in a public restroom and had her kid on her lap while driving. I don’t know about you Mr. President, but my parents let me sit unseatbelted plenty of times when I was young. My point is – we are fickle. We love, but we love to hate more. Heck, we drove that poor girl to shave her head. I feel kinda bad about that.

And I think that this is where you are headed sir. Most of the country is scared of all the new and awesome changes you want to make. Don’t blame them though, they are just not used to someone being in charge and actually leading. And change is scary for some folks. Me? I have gotten kind of used to change, so don’t worry about me. Living in a foreign country will force you to adapt.

I think your new plan for health care is where you are running into some problems, and I am sorry. Because I think your plan is pretty freaking awesome. When I lived in America and actually had insurance – I was never able to use it because my co-pay was too high. That means I just giving about $100 bucks (or more) per month away to the horrible insurance companies. I think your plan to make drug companies and insurance companies accountable is great! And it’s about time! Universal Health Care is an idea who’s time has come, and I am glad you have the balls – Sir – to put it out there. You are just giving us more options, and I dig that about you.

I think the fact that you are a forward thinker who doesn’t let, um, “religion” cloud your vision is great. America has been pouring water into the sinking ship for years now, and wondering why it won’t float. You sir are pouring out the water. New energy ideas, new scientific research funding and so forth. I am really excited to see what happens. I just hope people let you get on with business. Because I know sir, that it is not just up to you. You have to convince a bunch of other people to get on board. Kind of like on America Idol – we all know Simon is right, but we have to let Paula talk anyway.

Well, that’s it for me sir. I hope you enjoyed this letter. And, next time you are in Prague, feel free to look me up if you need a place to crash.

Your Friend,
Alicia

Is This Short Enough For ya?

I hate Twitter. And Tweets. Twitpix is lame. Twitter is like being in a tiny room full of annoying people who are all vying for your undivided attention. I feel like my shirt sleeve is constantly being tugged, or like a little yappy dog is nipping at my heels. I feel like I just walked into a cloud of gnats. I just don’t get Twitter. What is the point? Is it just to be witty? Is it because you REALLY need people to know what you are doing every second of the day?

* “Off to the bathroom!”

* “What should I have for dinner tonight?”

* “TRAFFIC!”

If you really can’t decide what to make for dinner without consulting your 500 closest friends, then buddy – you have bigger problems.

I blame Twitter (and the Internet in general) for the growing trend of short attention spans. For example, I was on another tool for time-suckage – FACEBOOK – the other day and saw this: A friend had posted a funny video that was a total of 3:23 seconds long. Underneath the video someone wrote, “Dude, I stopped watching after 30 seconds. When does it get funny?” Seriously. THREE MINUTES. A person today cannot wait even three minutes for something. If an article or blog post is too long, people don’t want to read it. In colleges today, students need “multi-media stimulus” in order to pay attention. People will stop reading a book after about 10 pages if they don’t feel “grabbed”. If information is not gathered quickly, then it is deemed not worth having.

My challenge to you, dear readers is this. Pick a day this week. Got it? Good. Now, on this day you are to do the following: Do not take your ipod (or whatever portable listening device you have) with you anywhere. Leave it at home and spend on day just listening to the world around you. Next, use your phone ONLY for calls and/or texts – nothing else. That means not checking your FB page, emails or Twitter when you are bored. That means not playing with iphone applications when your date is in the bathroom. That means getting comfortable with yourself and relearning patience.

I know that to some of you this seems impossible and uncomfortable. But, I think it will open your eyes just a little to the amount of time you spend wasting time. Now, I have to go delete my Twitter account.